Leaving again

Before I start… my diary’s name is “you are my daily fixture.” ???????

What??? Why and what possessed me to give it such a name? In any case, I’ll remember to change it the next time around. I can’t believe I had such a melodramatic diary name all this while…. (Btw, if you dear reader, yes you – if your diary name is melodramatic, uh that’s fine. =D I don’t judge… others… just myself.)

Back to the entry…

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose above the little sunny island of Singapore. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning….

I’m just kidding. Bonus props though, to whoever can figure out what the above passage references, without needing to Google.

2 more days and I will be flying off from this pretty sunny island of Singapore. (Speaking of which, that reminds me to go out more and pick up more of a tan before I fly back to the wintry chill that is the World of Dartmouth.)

This time though, my Flight will be different from before. I don’t think I’ll be coming back for at least another 2 years. So long friends, so long good food, so long… English Premier League…. -sobbing-

Reason being – yours truly is finally sadly making his final steps out of pre-adulthood, and is now moving forward reluctantly (though with some part anticipation) preparing to become a fully functional member of society.

Which is good and all – sure, I am all bright eyed and confident; eager to make my mark on the world. My ego is still healthy, my belief is strong – I can make a difference, and I will bring something different to the table at the consulting company for which I will work. But… it seems that although four years of college (I wish I could go back to college, life was so simple back then (Broadway musical reference for those who think I’m losing my mind)) have somewhat prepared me, matured me, and taught me to be ready for “real life”, I don’t feel fully prepared. I feel somewhat scared, somewhat still… confused. I still have questions unanswered!!!! I still have things to learn, things to figure out!!! (Like how to cook, fix shit around the house, and eat at a fancy restaurant for starters) So this is how a fledgling bird must feel, standing at the edge of the nest, looking down in a rush of exhilarating adrenaline, stemmed by a rock in its stomach caused by the inevitable mental image that is accompanied by the sound, “SPLAT”.

And soon it will be my turn – my diploma will nudge me from my comfortable roost, and off and down I will tumble… It’s also like one of those confidence building exercises at camp – you know, the one where close your eyes, and fall backwards off some platform, onto the waiting arms (hopefully) of your campmates. Except in this case, there is no one there to catch you. You just pray and flap your arms and hope you fly before you eat dirt. Ho Ho Ho… what a merry thought.

I mean… let’s just talk philosophy for a while here. You’d think that after taking all those philosophy courses that I would have figured out life’s meaning by now. Ok, maybe not. But at least figured out my purpose, right? RIGHT? Nope. Apparently 40 Grand a year buys you an education, without bloody answers. (At least I can argue that liberalism is not a consistent theory – I’ll post my paper sometime). I definitely mean to talk about this with Sok Ching tomorrow. But I mean… from what I learnt (and you’re definitly going to label me a sociopath / nihilist (the latter which I might be)), society is really a man-made construct that does not seem to carry any independent objective value. Coming from a perspective that our existence, our being ends upon death – I feel that I inevitably must believe that everything only carries subjective value. Because for anything to hold objective value would require for that value to persist outside of my perspective, no?

Confused?
Ok… Let’s think about it this way. We mean that something is objectively true, when we believe that it is “True”, like… the sky being blue, whether you believe it or not. Now, this is not necessarily true. Someone who argues that the colour of the sky is subjective would say, the sky doesn’t actually have a “true” colour. Its colour is whatever we think it is. Which also carries some weight. It’s kinda like the Matrix… Even though you are living in a tank, in a virtual reality controlled by machines, everything is “real” to you, because it is what you sense. This is a strong illustration / argument that supports subjectivity – that “reality” is really a rather meaningless concept. What you objectively experience, (ie. lying in a tank in the Matrix), is irrelevant. What is really important, and effectively “real’ is the world you experience subjectively, the “virtual reality” in the Matrix.

Given this, in effect everything ceases to exist when I die… Because subjectively, these things don’t exist anymore. Maybe I could even say that when I die, the world dies with me. If you can agree to such a statement, you come to the conclusion I just stated – nothing can really hold transcendent value, meaning nothing effectively exists forever (and this will contradict my beliefs 2 years ago). So why then should we try to live “honestly” and “with honor”? If everything is subjective, then we can only really justify living in a way that maximises our personal pleasure (aka. utility). I’m not saying that you cannot live selflessly… Utilitarianism does not make such a claim – if it makes you happy to be selfless, go ahead and do so. But I am merely arguing that the statement “honor is an independent good in itself” cannot hold true, because even if it were somehow proven to be an objective value, it is irrelevant as only subjective values effectively hold any sway. So, why should I sacrifice for society if I don’t want to? Why should I even contribute to society if it doesn’t benefit me? All these questions, and I have not figured out any satisfactory answer… The only answer I have resigned myself to, is to live life as it pleases me… If my conscience dictates to me to be charitable, then I shall be charitable. And I do feel that I should help the unfortunate! Do not misunderstand what I wrote above! Just because I cannot find a compelling reason to help others, doesn’t mean that I don’t intend to do so! Neither Man, nor Woman, is rational! (Cos under another of my crackpot theories, we could be morally compelled to kill ourselves, and I haven’t)..

I can see you all aghast, holding your palms to your face and crying out, “you monster!”. Well.. I’m not that crazy. You don’t see me cutting my wrists, or leaping off buildings (hahahaha that would be taking my above metaphor a little too literally! haha!), and I don’t have any tolerance for the “T_T my life is so hard I hate it and I cut my wrists” emo crap (most of the time that’s what it is anyway). But… You can definitely see now why I feel like I have important questions left unanswered, no? My hope however, is that even though I currently have no belief that any of my above questions can be answered with any sort of optimism (as opposed to my nihilism), I may be wrong. And that with the coming years I will gain wisdom, and perhaps answers. And if not answers, then at least an ability to come to terms with my beliefs.

Most people probably don’t even think of these questions… and sometimes I envy them. But hey… this is why I love philosophy. =) I shall try not to be as arrogant as to claim that a philosophical mind is superior to one lived in blissful ignorance indifference… (although I really really want to…. I cannot justify such a claim) but I personally, subjectively, find it a rewarding pursuit. Perhaps ultimately questioning the meanings we place in the world around us, and its values will bring me less happiness, than being blissfully oblivious.. but that is just how it has to be. How it must be, for me.

In any case, I believe I have written quite enough. Each time, an entry such as this takes quite a bit out of me. But I feel good about it – I strive to be honest, and to write meaningfully. I certainly feel that I have succeeded. Please leave your comments, thoughts, salutations behind! I will be happy to respond with a defence, note of agreement, or a “hi back!”.

After all that above, I feel that what I more or less quoted at the beginning of this entry has now gained a stronger relevance… from what had been intended, and written initially with trivial fancy… and so I shall end, with what I began:

The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose […] The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.