Jealousy

Hi guys. It’s been a while. I’ve actually really missed writing here. It’s been such a big part of my teenage years. It’s weird to realise that I’ve probably had this blog for over 12 years now. And I can’t be sure my prose improved much in the intervening years. Maybe it has. I’ve learned to write better. But to convey arguments, no longer to convey emotion or stories.

Anyway. Sigh.

I should probably start writing here more often. Been going through a lot this past year – I think I’m pretty emotionally worn out. I left my very stable and "good" job (the firm is voted best company to work for on one of the major employee survey sites, and has been top firm to work for in the industry multiple years running), to start my own company. Entrepreneurship. They weren’t kidding when they told me it’s a roller coaster ride. I think I’m on one of my lows right now, hah. Stressed out – gotten into 4 arguments this past week, wondering what the hell I’m doing, hating myself for not being better, and hating myself for not getting to success faster.

It’s pretty tough working on your own venture. I guess to everyone else it’s all glory and fun – oh, you guys got a mention in the press, oh you got interviewed and man your pitch was slick. But behind that is a lot of failure and frustration. And trust me, no one is harder on me than myself. I often wonder why I’m doing something that’s out of my depth. Am I nuts? Am I wasting my life, being pretty much useless, just stuck at home, living off my parents, sitting in front of a computer coding and watching tv and playing video games all day?

Got into an argument with mom two nights ago. In the heat of the moment she said, "you can’t even find a job" – that kind of hurt, even if it didn’t make much sense. I left my job. And I could find a good one pretty easily, probably. But I think it’s what she said after that, that hit a bit too close to home. "What do you have to show for, having left your job and working on this for the last 6 months?". I wonder that too. I’m not funded. I launched at Dartmouth but it didn’t work out too well because the site wasn’t where it should have been. I’m hoping we learned from that. We’re trialling it again at a second launch next week. I’m scared that it won’t go well. It’s like… that moment when you unveil your painting in front of an audience and you hope they gasp with appreciation. Anything else is damning, and it’s personal. It’s your baby, that you’re responsible for, that you decided to work on. There’s no company, no boss to hide behind for the failure. If it fucks up, it’s your fault.

So I’ve been stuck. Often too stressed to work. And then stressed that I’m not working. "Where’s the momentum, where’s the hunger? Why are you fucking around on the computer?". Balance. I don’t think I’m very good at it yet.

I think I should get out more. I think I’ve got a lot pent up inside of me, but no one who I can confide in. Funnily enough I’ve been helping 2 close friends through a lot of what they’re going through. Sacrificing a lot of time, despite being busy, just to lend then an ear and a hug. I wish it went both ways. But then when I think of going out, I think of all the time wasted, that I could be spending getting work done. It’s a pretty shitty situation to be in, huh.

So what prompted this entry? Jealousy. Not proud to admit it, but I’m jealous that one of those two friends got into Stanford Business School. I basically spent hours and hours helping her come up with her essay, and rewrite it, and restructure it. I spent hours helping her get her interview questions into shape. By right, I should be happy for her, right? I was surprised that my insides twisted when she told me. She called me after going out to celebrate, slightly drunk to let me know. She never said a thank you. I think… the whole call I was waiting for it. Is it too much to expect a thank you? I honestly spent a lot of time helping her improve her essay and interviews. Maybe she took the help, but didn’t think it was valuable? You know the kicker? Before she hung up, she asked me to help her draft a thank you email to her superiors for their support. One wrote her a recommendation – fair enough. The other? He had only just sent her a "congratulations" email. And there I was, on the line, helping her draft an email that said "thanks for all of your support. I know I couldn’t have gotten accepted without your help and advice". Talk about ironic.

But that’s not really the jealousy portion. Stanford Business School is basically my dream business school, that I may want to apply to one day. The only one I’d apply to. Her? She basically applied because I sold her on it. I think part of me just went "look at her getting into Stanford. What are you doing with your life? What if you apply and don’t get in? She clearly did.". And the latter possibility really scared me. The mere possibility of this one day turning out as one of those – "He spent his life hoping to get in, helped his friend (who didn’t care that much) get in using all the knowledge he had, only to get rejected himself" stories – the mere possibility has me in a tailspin.

Ugh. I don’t know what to say. Failure. It happens, right? Deep down though I’m fucking scared of it. I’m tired. I’m sick of fucking up, of realising how imperfect I am.

But buck up, mate. Are you going to pussy out of confronting your weaknesses, and just go quietly live a life of obliviousness, sticking to what makes you feel great about yourself, never daring to push yourself further? Or are you going to man the fuck up and take a few on the chin? I might get a few hard knocks. But at least I had to balls to face the punches. And maybe, just maybe, eventually I’ll learn enough from my setbacks to land a knockout of my own.

Toughen the fuck up.