Family Relationships – What a headache
After staying two months with my parents, I officially don’t think I can stand it anymore. It’s really great that they’ve brought me up to be the person I am, but I think that same upbringing is the reason for this wall between us today.
I have a really hard time communicating with my parents. When they ask me questions, I hate answering them. In general, I think I try to tell them as little about my life as possible… I don’t even really bother letting them know the names of my friends, or who I go out with. That probably sounds pretty terrible, especially to my Singaporean readers out there (Singaporeans have a very close-knit family system, unlike my US buddies). And maybe yeah, it means I’m an unfilial kid. But just like how an errant kid can be somewhat excused due to his bad family circumstances growing up, I think I deserve some sort of forgiveness for being a bad son.
I think the difficulty I have in communicating with my parents ok who are we kidding here mom is due to a few reasons that I have come to rest upon after some thinking.
1. She’s really unreasonable. And I mean in the “doesn’t reason through logic” sense. Like if I refute her argument with a totally rational counterargument, she will just resort to ad homien attacks, or something like that. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.. I have a feeling this is one of the reasons for why articles always tell you that “you can’t win an argument with a woman”.. But that’s just sexist.. But… totally applies to my mom in this case.
2. I pretty much grew up with mom, cos dad was in another country for the youngish 8 years of my life. She never really presented herself to me as a friend, but more as a disciplinarian. You know – wash the dishes, do your homework, that kinda thing? She’s really quick tempered too, so I got yelled at a lot. Actually, now that I think about it, I think maybe her “not-a-friend” role may have been a forced product of being a single-parent. Without dad around, I guess she had to take up all the discipline, leaving not much else for friendship? Still, at best, I think that’s only a really good excuse. And who cares whose fault it is. I’m just trying to find the reason, not the guilty party behind my lack of communication with my parents.
Moving on…
3. Perhaps because she was responsible for bringing me up, mostly alone, and perhaps because of her personality, she was, and is, very controlling. Ie. always you should do this, because it’s best for you, just because, don’t be a smart mouth. That kind of thing? You know, not much communication. But I listened, and the advice worked out the better for my development. Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for our relationship. What that did was effectively negate conversation.. Because everytime I told her about something I was doing, or some problem I was facing, she’d always have a solution. Or a criticism. Or a point about something I could have done better. And I think what really opens up communication between two people is really listening. Sometimes I just wanted to tell her about my day, without her launching into advice or criticism of some sort. (Beyond the typical why didn’t you do better than 1580 on your SATs – yes it really happened).
Number 3 really has to be the primary reason why I just don’t talk to her anymore. She still does it now.. and even if she didn’t, I don’t think I could really open up anymore. My girlfriend had the same difficulty with my mom, when they stayed under the same roof – my mom is the sort that will always tell you what to do, and won’t take no for an answer. Sigh.
4. We both have rather dominant personalities. She’s outspoken about things she cares about, so am I. Neither of us like backing down.. Doesn’t make for a comfortable relationship.
I think that’s all I have so far.
I’ve often heard the saying that “you don’t choose your family”. But I think it really only affected me today (affected, not effected). It really has me wondering.. just what are the obligations between family? What are the obligations of the parents to the kids? And given all their sacrifice and time, what are the obligations of the kids to the parents? Given that the kids didn’t choose to be born into this world, and thus didn’t choose to owe a debt of gratitude to the parents, do the kids really have an obligation to return the favour? And where do those obligations end?
And unfortunately, part of me has a hunch that the western family system (in the US at least) doesn’t have the right answers. Sorry to generalise, but I refer to the general culture where parents aren’t obligated to necessarily sacrifice their lifestyles for their kids (think saving for college, or letting your 21 year old son live in your home if he loses his job), and the kids aren’t necessarily obligated to keep in touch, and take care of their parents after they leave their nest.
I think the difference between TV programmes made in Asia, versus those in the US provide a very revealing analogy. Let’s take the show “Two and a half men”, a US produced comedy where Charlie and Alan, the two brothers, have a clearly bad relationship with their mom. At the end of the day, the two still help her out, but the feeling is that it’s more out of human compassion, rather than family values. And the audience is also clearly expected to find their conflict and disdain of their eccentric mother funny.
E.g.
C: “I didn’t tell you, but mom is here.”
A: *groan*
-audience laughs-
And the thought has occured to me the last few days is that this probably wouldn’t fly in more traditionally Asian cultures, including Singapore. From the shows that I have seen, the culture of family values run very deep. Take the general formulaic cantonese drama – it usually centers around a large loving family run business, with the conflict arising from selfish children that seek to undermine the rest of the family. And that is distinctly un-funny. Even in shows where the mom is really really evil, the daughters or sons are always portrayed as loyal to the parent, while trying to cover up, or fix their mistakes behind their backs! In this one drama, the mom got tossed out for doing something really really evil (I forget what), but the daughter moved out with her, and took care of her totally evil and unreasonable mom. Now where would you find such a theme in American TV?
I really have to think about this one.. and I think it’s going to be a really long think. About obligations, and just what it means to be a moral, filial son, and parent. Wish me luck readers. =)
Apologies, I’ll have to come back and catch-up with your diary after work as I’m busy today, but both Sydney and Melbourne are great cities. You’ll probably find that people who grew-up in one will often dislike the other, so naturally I’m biased towards Melbourne, but Melbourne has its negatives too, just like Sydney does. It will totally depend on how you find it once you’ve spent some time.
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ryn: my long trips are spent on rivers and I’m not sure where else in the world those opportunities exist. In Australia there are likely long treks you could take… that would be pretty cool.
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I haven’t read a terrible lot of your diary, but you do seem to make frequent observations of your culture and the cultures you’re exposed to through media. While I’ll say it’s a very healthy exercise, ultimately my perspective on the issue, which inevitably has evolved from that of my parents, is that we actually don’t pay any attention to cultural traditions at all. As a family unit, we
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ourselves define, examine, re-evaluate and evolve our own sense of culture, so we are independent from both the traditional cultural thinking of the nations of my parents’ birth, the nation we live in, and any cultures we come in contact with. Of-course, I’m not saying we’re perfect, but we roll with it, we dynamically address issues and if the solutions aren’t evident in our cultural subset, we
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seek out our own solution. Again, we’re not perfect – not every family member does this to the same extent and in the same way, but even the most stubborn among as has recently begun to become more and more dynamic, a lesson that we should never give up. Traditions can be difficult things to break free from, but ultimately it comes down to just how accountable the individual wants to be over their
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own lives and actions, and how much they want to truly attribute their joys, failures and triumphs to themselves. Having behavioural patterns that are rooted in tradition allows one to escape many issues that one might otherwise have to face, but this cannot be achieved without also sacrificing much potential for true enlightenment, happiness and relationship. My father was raised in a very
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traditionally Italian (Sicilian) way, yet he took responsibility and accountability for himself and decided that he wouldn’t raise his family the same way. As a direct result of this, he and I have one of the closest and enduring relationships in both of our lives where we are free to not only express our affection for one-another, but also disagree with maturity and respect. OK That’s enough for
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now, otherwise it really is a very lengthy essay, an intriguing subject to be sure. I’ve been to fashion events her in Melbourne, but I haven’t been to Europe, so I’ve only ever seen footage of them. The way shows are depends on what they’re showing. Ready-to-wear shows are probably more similar to each-other, though this does change, but haute couture tends to be very thematic, and some designers
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will be very creative indeed when they put on a show. Many shows by ateliers have been set in beautiful old houses with no catwalk at all, the models will enter through a normal door and the audience will be sitting and standing about the edges of the rooms. I haven’t really kept abreast of the industry of late though, as my real passions lie elsewhere, so I have no idea what current trends in
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shows are, I’m just using what I know of the industry to create my own illustrious fantasy to indulge my creativity and sense of atmosphere. Shows can be great though, I encourage you to go to any public access events, but be warned, often they can be terribly pretentious and self-indulgent, even for ready-to-wear; such is the nature of fashion!
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I understand where you’re coming from. Because I’m so exposed to U.S culture (TV shows and books and whatnot), I keep wishing my parents (who are we kidding, my MUM) is more open, more understanding, we can talk more lalala. This requires more discussion that a note so I’ll just say this: There is good and bad in every culture, U.S and Asian.
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Compromise is always very tricky and very hard, trust me I know. But it needs to be done, because your life could be much much worse. I’m always thankful I have a stable foundation.
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Please Guni, consider that the TV dramas and sit-coms here in the USA are mainly written and produced by oooohhhh, maybe 10% of the population of our country. I doubt it’s even that high. This branch of media seems to have had an agenda for years to undermine the family, church and community values and seems to be accomplishing it. Also remember that the laughter you hear on shows like two and half men is “canned laughter”. Those of us who object to the content and immorality of such programming are ignored. Even boycotting the sponsers’ products hasn’t helped. But, be assured, untill it was to look acceptable on TV and in the movies parents were never disrespected as you see these days. Personally I have reared my children to be independent and independant but they also learned to honor thier parents. 🙂
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