You are not less than

My new anxiety medication seems to be working. I’ve been on it a couple days now and admittedly, I am a little less volatile. I don’t explode as easy and my mood seems to be more level. I’ve gotten heated, but they were well deserved reactions. If I have to live like an emotionless zombie you can count me out.

My sleeve therapist no longer wants to see me in that office. I guess that means she cleared me for surgery? I am being moved to her private practice where we will discuss things that are not weight related. There’s places in my mind I am not ready to go yet with her. I don’t know when I’ll be ready to do that. I had a pretty fucked up childhood and push a lot of that down. I do know however that my boys are my most vulnerable subject right now. I carry so much guilt and feel like I am doing it all wrong, all the time. Every time they’re brought up in there my voice cracks and I can feel the emotion well up behind my eyes.

K & S traveled to Cleveland last night to see the Cavs play. I was bummed that the whole plan didn’t come to fruition, but at least he got to go to the game and enjoy that time with dad. The 3 of us had lunch together yesterday after we dropped M off at pre-school and off they went. They ran into a massive snow storm on the way home and didn’t get in until around 4 am. S has had a few moments today where he’s shown his ass, but I keep reminding myself that he is exhausted and tomorrow will be better.

The weather was sunny and dry here today. We took 2 (!!!) walks. One this morning at the park down the street and one this evening through the neighborhood. M got whiney toward the end of both but we got through it. I’ve not been that active in a day in a while. My back aches but it would probably be doing that anyway.

This evening, during our walk, S was at his friend’s house. This kid that he idolizes treats in like crap. Every time they play ball and he loses, he storms off leaving S there like a fool. When we were walking by he was out shooting alone bc he won their last game and the kid, you guessed it, throw a fit and went in. I made him leave with us. He cuts him down in super condescending ways, too. S asked how the field trip to the Reds stadium went today (we let him stay home to sleep), but he wouldn’t ask S how the game was last night. S told him about the ball league he joined and he reacts like he’s not good enough to be on it. It breaks S a little each time.

He gets the behavior from his mom I think. She’s one to ride on his accomplishments. Whenever he does something, she asks S “how does that make you feel?” A grown woman does that. I asked S how it makes him feel when she does that and of course he said not good. I keep reminding him to stick up for himself. The dad even makes comments about his appearance, most recently his nails. One was too long I guess? In this house, academics come first. I’m not traveling all over kingdom come to play elite competitive youth sports. No one is getting recruited at 11 & 12. I am not living through my child, either. Some things are more important in this world than sports and until he can balance it all we take it easy on the sign ups until spring. Why throw that in his face?

I’m worried about him. He has a terrible impression of himself. The low self esteem breaks my heart. He’s always looking at the ground and mumbling like he doesn’t really want to be heard. We need to work on this. Maybe this rec team will help him with that too. He’s so talented in so many things, but he doesn’t see it. I personally think branching out to meet new people would be tremendously beneficial but of course he’s terrified to do so.

Uh oh, M just burst in the bedroom. Guess it’s bath time.