What I’ve Really Wanted To Write About.

For two days, I’ve had half of an entry sitting on this page. An entry I’ve been staring at, knowing it was pointless and not worth putting on here. It’s not what I wanted to talk about. It’s not what I -want- to talk about. For once, I wanted an entry that wasn’t depressing or somewhat sad or angry…it’s just not what’s going to happen at this time. I feel more anxious than anything else…I don’t know if I’m sad, I’m not angry, I am worried, and I am sure that my depression is caused by the season. However, my mind seems to be going in circles. I’ve felt crazy for the past week and a half. I can’t settle on one thing to think about.

Recently, my love life has decided to take up a large part of my brain. I still fight with my ex. When I tell him I’m tired of fighting and offer him peace, he calls me crazy and says he doesn’t want to hear my, "insane perverted logic". He told my friends that I’m on medication. Which isn’t true. I’m tired of being the peacemaker and recieving nothing but violence. I’m not a saint, but I’m a good fucking person. I read something recently in a friend’s diary that said, "We have a tendency to hang on to what we should abandon, and I think that is mostly done out of desperation." Perhaps, this feeling of having no one has left me with what is familiar, but what is unhealthy for my life. It was when I read those words, I knew I had to let go. As much as it isn’t really my style to abondon someone, no matter what they’ve done to me, it just feels like it’s time. I miss his company and his friendship…but I don’t miss him. I’m feeling better already.

There is someone else I care about deeply. Our conversation has slowed, and for a while now, it’s like pulling teeth to get his attention. Something is occupying his mind…I’m worried. The relationship we have established for each other is one that I truly treasure. While I always thought to myself that I would never mention him here…well…I don’t really have anyone else to turn to. I’m a little empty inside…I am my own psychologist, if you will. Space and time. If he needs me, I’ll wait for him.

I’m going home Sunday. Staying with a friend until then…since we have to be out by tonight. I have…nothing more I can bring myself to discuss today.

Leigha.

I still don’t really know what to say about this entry. I’m sure you must know that I’ve read it by now. Although.. what you said about missing Ben’s friendship and company, but not actually missing Ben… that kind of reminded me of Sherry.

Also.. I miss you. I don’t work Sunday, but I probably won’t see you Sunday anyway.. And then I work Monday through Saturday without a day off.. so I don’t know. I’ll try to call you and see if either of us have time to see each other next week. Lovies.

I would love to see you, but.. I don’t know when you’ll get here, and I’m supposed to go Christmas shopping with Dad.. and then I can’t stay up late because I have to be to work at 6 in the morning on Monday, so… I don’t know if we’ll see each other on Sunday. But maybe you could go shopping with us if you’re here early enough?

I knew someone would, I just assumed that someone would be Lexi, because he’s the perverted fuck. But you, Leigha… *shakes her head*… I’m really disappointed in you.