Fatty Fat Fuckin’ Fat Ass Fuckin’ Frieda!

I’m tremendously irritated, today. Which is upsetting because before it hit 3:30, everything was going very well. My mind is in a sedated state. I’m peaceful, but still angry. Angry? Or cranky? Both…Angry because I don’t know what to think, how to feel, or how to react to people today. Cranky because of lack of sex, time, money, and organization. It all clumps into: Irritation. There’s so much to say. We’ll take it one paragraph at a time, yes?

The show I’m working on has a lot of quick changes. They all happen in this prop room in the theater. Every night, I sit this little room lit with one blue light. There is a metal cable hanging from the ceiling that’s shaped like a noose. Tonight, I wondered how many chairs it would take to get to it. Probably two. Then I wondered if, when I got to it, the chairs would wabble and I would hang myself before I was able to have my final thoughts. Or second thoughts. When I finished thinking of that, I remembered when my friend called me morbid today. And then I remembered when someone else had called me dark the night before. Oddly enough, I had never associated those two words with my personality before. It’s strange they were said to me in such a short amount of time. It could be true. Before I get an abundance of, "please don’t kill yourself, you have so much to live for, people love you!" notes, I would like to state that I am not suicidal. They were just thoughts…whims, even.

My privacy has been severely invaded. Those that read my diary often, know that privacy is vital to the way I live my life. Two of my suitemates do not have computers at the moment. They haven’t since the beginning of the semester. It has nothing to do with money, just private issues of theirs that I won’t discuss here. One, I don’t mind at all when she comes in. She is respectful and doesn’t come here constantly. The other, however, makes herself at home on my roommate’s laptop, and uses it even when neither of us are there. When we are around, she never fails to comment on how messy our room is. The way our suite is set up, there are three rooms with two people in each, with a lounge in the middle. Lately, everyone has been completely disregarding the lounge and just hanging out in here. Two nights ago, I came home from my show and found the two girls in my room. Without thinking, I just asked how they were, what their plans were for the night, etc. Then, I realized no one else was home. Then, I realized one was on my bed, the other was on my roommate’s bed. Then, I realized that they weren’t using our laptops or our tv (We DO have a tv in the lounge–a rather large one, at that).THEN, I realized they were just hanging out in our room, talking. Nevermind the fact that they’re roommates, and have their own room to go talk in. It would have simply been funny to me if it wasn’t for the fact that this incident really confirmed my complaint. No one ever leaves our room. I can’t concentrate.

My homework isn’t getting done. My cold won’t go away because I’m stressed out. The stress is making my nails break and my face break out. I see so many of my friends every day but never have the time to actually talk to them. You know you’re doing well at work when your personal relationships start to suffer. The problem is, since I’m around so many people all day, solving problems, answering questions, finding solutions, making mindless chatter…I just want to relax and be away from large groups of people when my day ends. It’s selfish. But I had a nap today. And it was so wonderful.

I thought maybe I’d go out tonight. Now I’m thinking, Gene Kelly instead.

Things will get better. After next week ends. Everything will be lovely again.

….I hope.

Leigha.