Mother is the name….

Mother is the name for God that lives on the lips of all children….

I don’t have a relationship with my mother.  Nor my father.   My father wasn’t interested in parenting me, and my mother only used me when it benefitted her.. from the moment I was born to be exact.

I wasn’t a wonderful mother.  The mistakes I’ve made have been large, some unforgiving, and I carry the guilt with me daily.

My children are amazing.  It amazes me every day how intelligent, open, and forgiving they are.

It amazes me that they love me like they do.  They are literally the reason I’m alive.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve just wanted to lay down and die.  This world is a horrible place, and people get more horrible by the minute.

The pain I’m in on a daily basis makes life a struggle.  I hate it.

Then I think of something my son said to me one day when I said something about dying.  He said something along the lines of, ‘you know you’re all I have’.  I thought about it, and growing up, I always had my grandparents.  That safety net and that comfort zone that makes you feel like testing life is okay.

I thought about my kids roaming this world without me in it.  They’re all grown and out on their own, but I see or talk to them almost daily.

Even if they go weeks without talking to me, they have that comfort of knowing that they can just come over, or just pick up the phone, and I’m going to be there.  I am their comfort zone.

What would life be like without that for them?

They would move forward, and they would be okay, because they’re so strong.. But not having the comfort of having Mom around would almost take a piece of them away.

So I stay…

My son is so smart, and logical, and realistic, and he craves a peaceful happy life.  His heart is so huge, but he has a sadness about him at times that just breaks my heart.  I can’t imagine adding to that.

He has had so much growth since I started this diary, it’s just unbelievable.  The way that he rose from the ashes of being an addict.

From hiding in trap houses, to wearing Gucci shoes and riding around in BMW’s.  The goals that he has are set, and I have no doubt he will achieve them.

He is so self-aware, and sets boundaries that he doesn’t allow others to cross.  He’s amazing.  His strength is amazing.

My eldest daughter is the one I worry about the most.  She’s a bleeding heart who is trying to find her place on the map, trying to find that one person to love her unconditionally and take care of her throughout life.  She is sad a lot, because she picks those who don’t have the stability that she needs.  Those types that always have conditions concerning their love. She recently married someone who acts so much like her father.

To leave her to those people would just be cruel.

My youngest daughter who tries to have it all together, but has gone through so many tragedies in her life concerning her parents…

She acts as if the loss of her dad doesn’t bother her, but I know that it does.  He made so many promises, he was her hero.. and then he disappeared on her.  Then she found out what he was.  It was a lot to take on.  She has to feel like she has full control of her life, of what’s going to happen, and I feel that one day she’ll get there… but she’s not there yet.

The space that I have in my children’s lives is big, and undeserved.  It’s also my most rewarding, and most loved space in the world.

I can’t even say how proud I am of the people that they are, and the people they are becoming.

I hope that if something ever takes me from this life, that they will continue to be strong and keep moving forward.

I don’t ever want my absence to be the cause of them failing at something.  Or quitting.

I would be so sad.

There are so many things going on with me physically right now that has me worrying that time is limited.

I’m hoping that I’m just being paranoid.

I see 3 different doctors next week, so I guess we will find out.

I wouldn’t mind not being here, but I would be devastated if it took away from what they can do in life.