Spaciousness

Space around me, a cushion between me and all that is "not me".  Others’ thoughts and opinions just are; they float and sometimes gouge and scratch, but only if I imagine that they are.  Otherwise, words, judgments, accusations, shoulds and should nots, they all are heard and let go.

Why is it my normal feeling to imagine that everything flung at me connects so intimately to me, like suction cup arrows shot at me?  

I like feeling so connected when it is positive.  Is it the price that must be paid–to feel so intensely just means I must learn to handle the intensity when it is not good in a way that does not break me or others?

So are we all connected, or are we all separate?  Right now, for me, it seems like my lesson is that I am separate from others…

Or maybe it is just that our judgments have no real meaning, so once those those are disregarded, then it is safe for me to recognize that we are all connected?  Maybe as long as I perceive validity in judgments, then I can’t see us all as connected without also perceiving danger???

M and I had a fight, then, still, despite angry words and judgments meant to hurt each other… still, commitment.  

Whenever I go to work, I walk to my car, stopping at the sidewalke to turn and look upstairs at our door, where M stands waving.  During our fight, I left for work, me upset, M withdrawn.  Even though he did not walk me to the door and kiss me goodbye like we usually do, I turned and looked up at the closed door.  But there he was, at the door, waving, which of course made me cry with a kind of relief and happiness and gratitude that we are committed to us.

He and I have difficulties.  I am trying to learn to let us both have the space to be ourselves.  Without difficulties, learning does not happen as quickly?  Yeah, that’s it!