Dec 6, 2012

Uncertainty.
(Ultimately, it is all uncertain.)

Expectations.  Attachment to outcomes.  Attempting to control.  Rigid defense.

Recognizing.  Letting go.

So many moments, stringing together, of real life.  

So many crazy parallel moments, movies in my mind, of  "what if"s–mind trying to change what’s gone already, or mind trying to predict the reality that hasn’t happened yet.

Seeing the habitual movie reel start spinning.  Reminding, IT IS NOT REAL.  Come back to now.  Breathe and observe now.

The moments stringing together with M are both frightening and awe inspiring.  Is true love supposed to be so scary, or is it just when two people learned falsely that love equals pain that the path to genuine loving feels so dangerous and grueling that the safest thing to do is to shut it down?  And the circle goes on, because shutting down shuts out love and causes pain, and it appears again that love has caused the pain.  (Note to self: Really, the shutting down causes the pain.  Tie reminder string around finger, snap rubber band on wrist, write note on bathroom mirror, put sticky note on fridge.  "Shutting down from loving and to being loved causes pain-LOVE DOES NOT CAUSE PAIN.")

Oh, grandbaby Sidonie, may you be blessed with unconditional love, and blessed with a sense of safety.  May I be a part of giving you that secure sense within.

Smiling.  Love love love love love.  M loves me.  Love, unconditional, outward toward all, creates a feeling of safety.  Grasping creates a feeling of fear.  Back to the beginning of this entry.  Acceptance of uncertainty.  Looking on with love.