Transactional acceptance

Tuesday, January 30,2024. -1:38 am.

I don’t have much to say these days. But right now and of late I have had a nagging pervasive thought, or rather feeling, that I am no good. Recently, it’s as if I am only worthwhile when I have something to contribute and am of use to others, and nothing more; accepted or tolerated when I sacrifice my energy, time, or monetary contributions to make up for some massive inconvenience or character flaw I must possess. The consideration is never returned in my direction, not that I expect it at this point, nor is it even aknowledged… it feels expected like it’s some sort of compensation for my presence in their lives. This can’t be my value, I think, but the more people who make me feel this pit in my stomach and pounding in my head, treating me like there are conditions to loving me, I reconsider my own sanity; my delusion. My reward for being constantly on edge and reminding myself not to make mistakes or ripples in the water is to have a lukewarm reception and pleasantry, reluctantly; never truly feeling welcomed or accepted at best otherwise ignored, or at worst treated like I am a burden to bare in my family and others’ lives. It just in the best moments feels fake and one-way. I know it is disingenuous but of course I say nothing. Maybe that nonconfrontational, non-advocation and people pleasing comes deep down from my family. It makes my deep fears of being bad, crazy, or hard to love exaccerbated. Being treated a certain way constantly becomes ingrained overtime. I worry everyday as the numbers grow and the pattern cements whether I am the problem to my own happiness and my family’s and to being truly accepted. I don’t think family supercedes conditional love and I see myself slowely accepting less than I hope I deserve. It’s hard. I am no victim but I am certainly no monster. Sometimes I want to just fade into the background in the hopes I can stop feeling judged and negatively observed. I’d sacrife any false, temperary inclusion or approval to not question my own character or see myself the way they often do. Relationships are not transactional and I should not have to earn my place. I just want to know where I stand. No games, no charades, just the cold hard truth so I can be done wondering why I am not good enough.