Not so unconditional afterall

I think knowing something, and being confronted with the truth are two entirely different things. Hearing the words are something you can’t prepare your mind for. It shouldn’t effect me, I felt the resentment and hate, I know how he feels, I am aware of how he treats me, it would be an obvious conclusion to an outsider. I guess, no matter what I knew, and no matter how I felt about him, hearing my brother say he doesn’t want any sort of relationship with me, and talk so detailed about all the things that make me a rude or terrible person in his eyes were enough to feel myself start to breakdown in sadness, and also a new reality I didn’t want to accept before. He hates me. He truly doesn’t like me down to my core. It’s not a surprising thing, but it makes me feel the greiving of what I thought our relationship could be in the future. i tried to persevere in spite of how he is not nice to me constantly, walking on eggshells throughout my house. I would try to justify how he treated me as temporary, when I knew it wasn’t and think of times he was nice to me instead, and see the relationship we have as troubled, not brokem. My bully being someone who’s supposed to unconditionally love and support me is a difficult concept to emotionally comprehend. He didn’t always feel or act this way. I wonder where it all went so wrong. As he says he wants nothing to do with trying to have a relationship unless I drastically change as a person, and hear what he truly thinks of me, I don’t want to think he’s right. I try so hard, and want to be a good person. I think what it is is that I have such a fear of not being a good person, and I try to overcompensate for some of the things I can’t control with my mental illnesses and reactions, but ironically enough I always tried to be nice and helpful inspite of how he hurt me constantly with what he said and did. It was never appreciated. Any short lived moments of interaction or pleasantries seemed to be him just enduring time together. I never truly felt as if he cared about me, and now at least I have my asnwer. I guess I make his life worse, so when people talk about how someone wouldn’t care if they were gone. I guess he truly wouldn’t be affected in any sort of way. Family is so important to me, and accepting the fact that my own family thinks so hatefully and deeply makes me always saying he doesn’t like me feel realer than what I am confortable admitting. I can’t live in a house where I walk around feeling even worse about myself because of my own brother. I am being persecuted by someone who clearly only sees my flaws, and can be cruel in turn. It’s sort of a kicking osmeone while they’re always down kind of situation. He knows exactly what to say to trigger my deepest fears of who I am, and second guess myself. I can’t afford to feel worse about myself in a space thats supposed to be a sanctuary. I don’t know why I feel so sad, when I don’t particularly like him either, but I do nonetheless. He represents everything I hope to never become, he’s (at least to me) and sometimes to other family members, cold, unemotional, seperated and removed, as well as wrathful when he wants to be. I hear the person I think isn’t a good person or particularly nice tell me I’m those things, and realize the way I view him is the exact same way he views me. I know I am sometimes a hard person to love, but I couldn’t have imagined the closest people in my life could ever have seen me in such a way. I thought family made you safe from being so judged, and I was wrong. I try, and I will say i’ve had a lot of hardships in my life. I’ve felt sad or struggled more often in my life than not, and I just wish I could get a moment of relief. I just want so desperately for someone to understand me, and inspite of being hard to love sometimes, I wish someone would anyway.