Endless hours and endless thoughts.

It’s that classic time of night when you’re up later than what seems like everyone else in the entire world, yet also up too early somehow. That weird in between when time slows, impossibly, for just a little while before the sun comes up again, just for you. It’s a double edged sword though, as there’s nothing and no one to keep you company but your own thoughts. For some, that might be tranquil, but for me, it’s frightening. I try to stop myself from thinking too deeply because it always ends up hurting. But at this particular time of neither night nor day, I cannot help it. In the in between hours of life, when everything comes to a temporary stop, I feel peace and yet an incredible amount of pain. I cannot stop my mind from moving to a bad place. Right now, currently at 3:10 AM, I had an image appear in my head of the south of france. Humorous considering I haven’t ever been, but for once, I can envision it. I do not have a gift for imagination but at this very moment, it seems so clear. The immediate thought I had during these dangerous life questioning hours was an unusual one. Do you ever feel like you could be happy but only in a completely different life that you cannot nor possibly dare dream of having? Sometimes it’s sad to think like this, but somehow comforting at the same time. Knowing that someday the idea of happiness could be possible for me, but if all of my life circumstances were different. It gives me a sense of hope undoubtably during dark times though. But I also revert back into sadness when I realize I shouldn’t be waiting for happiness to come years from now, when I can travel a worlds away and be a different, better person. I shouldn’t be on pause essentially waiting out time until my life can begin. But the endless possibilities of how my life could be feels better than trying to figure out how to temporarily be happy until then. It’s a daunting and seemily hopeless task.