An Endless Loop of Misery

He texted me today. Radio silence for almost two months now and finally I felt the abilty to accept and move on, and here he is reminding me I will never have a functional relationship. He was the first guy I met at college, and the first I actually let in. He’s consumed the past year and a half of my life, and I can’t bare the thought of him wasting another second of it. I heard the saying “If they are meant to be in your life nothing in the world could make them leave, and if they weren’t meant to be in your life, nothing in the world could made them stay”. I think about that a lot. I don’t know if he thinks as always he can leave and come back whenever he wants and i’ll be waiting for him as I used to, or he just doesn’t want me to be happy. Either of which is infuriating. I don’t know why I still care and I wish with everything in my heart I didn’t. He’s in my head again and I cannot see how this will ever end. I’ve tried so many times and he won’t hear it. He has some sort of power over me and that never used to be me. I am not this girl. I deserve better than what he offers and the loneliness I somehow feel when i’m with him. And yet, I still miss him. Some days I don’t think about it and those are the good days, but whatever grip he has, I want it to be focused on someone else. I’d rather be missing him than be with him and feel so terrible. I wish he’d forget me and move on so I could breathe again. I can’t continue this endless cycle of self loathing, disappointment, and overthinking. There is a whole big world out there and I feel like the smallest person in it. I would see everything I did as a reason why he didn’t see me. He saw me when it was convenient or late at night, or bored, and then disappear until he felt as low as he made me feel. When he would leave I felt utterly alone and blamed myself for not being good enough or what he wanted, instead of seeing his actions as a reflection of him. I was blinded. I thought if I truly spent enough of my time he would realize and treat me differently, and to no prevail. I would doubt every part of myself and think I was not enough. If he stopped talking to me I would rethink everything until he came back. I couldn’t get out of this repetative hell, and the issue is that he would act in such a way when he was with me that I felt close to him in every sense. But really, I couldn’t have been further away. His actions speak louder than the words he says, no matter how much I want to hear them. He knows exactly what to say. He says one thing and does another. Says he misses and needs me, and then disappears after he gets his fix of me. He is two different people all at once. I would make excuses of all the amazing things he’s done and the fun we had, thinking I must mean more to him than I did, or that the relationship was more than it was. He doesn’t miss me he misses the idea of me as I think I do now. We were bad for eachother. He was jealous, and yet aloof, controlling, and yet absent, affectionate, and yet manipulative. Insecurity caused problems with his behavior around me, and was not fair considering the things I would see him do, but said nothing about. He made me feel good when I was with him, and so invisible when I was not. He would disregard me when I said I didn’t want to see him, and acted as if he owned me. I say all of these things and yet there’s something about him I can’t let go of. We formed some sort of emotional dependance and this means I can’t leave. He won’t let me. He leaves but the problem is he always comes back.