all I’ve felt was leading to this

title: gorecki – artist: lamb

I saw Living Out Loud for the first time in 1998. On video. I hadn’t heard of it until I was watching Charlie Rose with my mom one night (she’d made the programming selection – and I think it was due to another guest that was supposed to be on) and he was interviewing Richard LaGravenese, who had written and directed the film. The only part I earnestly recall from the interview had endeared him to me a little more, but I know it wasn’t what had made me (and my mom) want to see it. (On a whim, I did a search to see if it was out there and… I just found the interview! You can see it here, if you’re so inclined.)

When it came out, we rented it and watched it. I promptly fell in love. It is kind of quirky. Not in that happy-go-lucky way, necessarily. But there is also a lot of subtlety and this beautiful grace extended to the characters. And there are several scenes that are just lovely, visually speaking. And while the kiss (which was inspired by Chekhov’s The Kiss) and the dance scene are both obvious standouts, and I’ll admit, they did stay with me awhile, it was a single word from one of the more subtle scenes that just wouldn’t let me go. Authentic just lingered there and stuck and stayed and niggled at me. To the degree that the only line that I could repeat verbatim was, "I want to be authentic." And that’s not even the whole line.

Not too long after that initial viewing, I ended up recording it off of the television and I had that tape for quite some time. That line (the whole line) became the driving force for my attachment to that movie.

The following year turned out to be a year filled with upheaval and difficulty and I kind of knew I needed to watch Living Out Loud again. It helped me figure some things out and get centered and settled again. That scene, and that line specifically, have had the most weight and have actually meant many things to me over the years. But they shaped one aspect in particular.

And before I get to that, now would probably be a good time to share that line (or lines, as it were) with you:

Judith: I want to feel my life. I want to be authentic. I want to stop agreeing to things I don’t really want.
Pat: Then stop.

It was that tid bit of a scene that wound up helping me identify, and put words to, the intentionality with which I wanted to live my life. It set me down the path of discovering that it all comes down to decisions. You decide what you want and how you want to live your life. If you’re doing anything in opposition to either of those, it really is as simple as just stopping. You stop. You stop and you decide and you do.

It seems every time some life-altering shift was being thrust upon me, those moments when I found my life and self were really quite pliable, even in the midst of the trauma, I would end up watching the movie again. It was a bit of a touchstone, a reminder. It would pull me back to center and I would usually garner a view at another facet of the process each time that happened.

This year was the first time I didn’t pop it in (in DVD form this time – I upgraded and everything 😉  – well, I’ve been upgraded for a few years now) in one of those moments. I’m not sure if it signifies a shift or a different kind of progression, or if it was just that I knew better given the overall content. But if it does mean, that 10 years down the road, I’ve got it down enough to not require a cinematic review, Living Out Loud will still hold that significant place of being the first movie that came to impact my life in a monumental way. And with just two lines.

this is the whole scene the above exchange takes place in. added aside: when I made the decision to stop dating (indefinitely at the time, it turned into 4 years), it was this entire scene that enabled me to arrive at that decision, and then be able to explain it.