Tales of the idiot

Friday night Grant and i spent the night together… well we all know how that went down. I dont know what i was thinking…. he initiated it but i had a feeling it was going to happen. I missed kissing him, after that first kiss i couldnt get enough, it wasnt even about getting some. I just missed him. But I should have known how it was going to end… and I did, I just didnt want to think about it. I love him. I hate him. I cant get enough of him. He pisses me off, hurts me and comforts me all at the same time… how does that work? Some one tell me. And as if that wasnt enough, then last night i relapsed… I should feel bad about it, regret it….but some how i dont. I told my Aunt yesterday that last night i would go to a meeting, she could tell i was slipping but instead i went out and drank and got high…. I thought i missed it, but in retrospect its not what it used to be… maybe i needed that one last time to solidify my resolve… and that right there ladies and gentlemen is the nature of the disease. I havent told anyone yet… i need to but i dont know if i will. I just feel so alone in this. Im not but i feel like i am. I cant talk to Grant about it because i dont want him to know that he can drive me to something like that. And maybe that should be the red flag… it is, but im paying no attention to it. We’re fine, well we’re fine by our standards, so the other night didnt make that big of a difference in how we are together but i guess im the one who feels weird about it… I love him and I hate that. What do i do?