*sigh*

 Life is tough sometimes….

For those who dont know, i was seeing a guy named nick, well he didnt want to "date" but he wanted to be exclusive yet remain single. Sorry but im not in to that. Im not the friends w/benefits type, i learned that one recently. But in the beginning he said lets see how this goes and we’ll decide later if we’re gonna date. I said ok and then realized i wasnt ok with it and was losing respect for myself because i thought all he wanted was a physical thing, so i told him that we’re done being physical until we decide if we’re dating. He said he isnt in the right place to date, which i understand because hes got a lot of shit going on. So we agreed to just be friends unless something changes and we can be together. I thought he just wanted something physical… which is why i didnt understand what his problem was when he kinda found out about Brett…

Well we were talking today and he told me that he really does have feelings for me and that he wants to date me but doesnt want to start a relationship like that when his life is gonna get worse before it gets better. He said, he wants to be with me and that all he can offer right now are his feelings and his exclusivity. I was shocked. Im one of those people that will not suspect some one of having feeling for me because it never occurs to me that they might. So i put Nick behind me and moved on because i thought i didnt have a chance at dating him.

So then Brett came along. He’s amazing! He truly likes me, wants to be with me i think, and is wonderful to me. I REALLY like him. I never thought anyone like him would like some one like me. I dont really mean that the way it came out. i mean im a great person, love to have fun, funny, i have nice things, but im not skiny and i dont think im pretty so it boggles my mind that one of the most atractive guys i’ve ever seen wants to be with me… its a really nice feeling to know that he cares. I cant stop thinking about him… i have a problem lol with doubting what people think of me and doubting myself, so this time im trying not to. I do it because i dont want to get hurt and i justify it as being realistic, when all it does it hinder my chances at being happy with some one that really does care.

So anyways, lol sorry got off topic, now i dont know what to do because i really did like nick and i would love to be with him but i feel like i have the chance to be with some one amazing that is also ready for a relationship…. i dont want to miss out and put my hopes in to something with nick that may or may not happen. i feel like shit, he really did like me and i never even let myself consider the possiblity because i didnt want to get hurt. But i cant justify letting brett go, and i dont want to. but i feel like no matter what i do, im missing out.

i dont want to lose nick but i dont want to lose brett. Im scared that if im with brett nick will forget about me. But when im with brett nick is the furthest thing from my mind. Im not a game player so i dont want to try to have both of them, its just hard for me to let go of people because so many people in my life have left that i dont ever want to do that to any one else. But nick and i are friends so thats atleast something, and im always going to be there for him as a friend.

IDK, the more i think about it the more i realize that if i were with brett, my feelings for nick would not intrude. butif were with nick, my feelings for brett would be a road block…..

lol looks like i just made my choice. i just HATE hurting people, and i dont want to hurt him. lol it hurts me more to know that im hurting some one more than it hurts them.