I Witnessed A Friend Go Insane; College Years

I cannot sleep, so I will start on the next part of my story. The college years.

I remember Leo and I hanging out at his home. One night, he invited me over to watch movies. I chose an independent film that I had seen on Netflix called “Duck”. Leo had just gotten knee surgery and he didn’t have a bed. He had a cot, which he was proud of. I remember feeling sorry for him because he is 6’3 and wondering to myself why his Mom didn’t help him get a good bed.

We laid together on the cot and he laid behind me, holding me in his big muscular arms. We turned the movie on and I wiggled my butt in his groin, almost trying to start something sexual because I assumed that was what he was after. He said “Stop. I just want to hold you.”. So we laid together and watched the movie. I knew then, that I was safe with him and I felt comfortable with Leo in a way that I didn’t feel with other guys.

After the movie however, I did convince him to show me his penis. He was already hard, which surprised me. I don’t think we really fooled around. He sat in his chair, and I sat on his cot. We talked and laughed. He said to me, “I have moobs.”. So I took off my bra and handed it to him, he put it on and we just talked and watched movies. Finally about a half hour later, he said “Why the hell am I still wearing this!” and threw my bra back at me. It was pretty funny. That was our friendship, we were just comfortable with each other in a goofy way. I really miss those days and thinking about it brings a tear to my eyes.

We ended up losing touch for a while. We still spoke occasionally and saw one another here and there. On occasion I’d go to his house and hang out, smoke some ganja. However, I was so distracted by other drama in my life that Leo wasn’t a regular.

At age twenty two we got back in touch and we ended up having sex. We had sex multiple times a night, every night for three months straight. He was drinking heavily then and I was smoking weed heavily. You can say we were bad influences on each other. I really started to have feelings for him though. I never had a sexual relationship like I had with Leo. It was rough, random and…passionate. We would have sex on his futon (I guess he sort of upgraded from the cot). We would have sex in his front yard. Up against my car, On his front porch…..and then we’d stay up all night talking.

I remember one night, after having sex on my car and then on the porch, we sat on the porch together just staring at the night sky. I remember we saw a shooting star and he commented awkwardly about how that was too romantic and he was done. He wasn’t ready for a relationship and neither was I….but I sure fell for him sort of? It was weird. I was kind of using him as practice. I don’t know.

One night we were in my car talking and I started crying because I had to put both my elderly cat and dog to sleep. He started crying really hard too because he loves animals and it reminded him of when he had to put his dog to sleep. We cried together lol.

I remember when he would tell me to come over, he’d send me a text saying “take forever”. I used to love that, because it showed he was excited and wanted me there!

The last time I saw him, I had gotten caught with weed in my car right outside his house. I wasn’t going to visit him, he just lived on a busy street that I had to travel to get to my destination. So, lucky me, the police let me go if I called someone to pick me up. I called him and he walked down the street to meet me, gave me a big hug and drove me to his driveway. He bitched me out the whole way, saying “I told you so”.

I don’t know why I did this. I suppose I have issues, but I didn’t hear from him for a day or so and I got a text from him one night telling me he was drunk and goodnight. I cussed him out and called him a faggot…..I guess I was afraid of the feelings I was developing for him and to evade abandonment and cruelty, I was cruel first. I never heard from Leo again.

For six years I sent him messages over Facebook apologizing and begging him to speak to me. He read the messages, but never once did he reply. I had to accept that Leo hated me and that I would never hear from him again.