Work, Weight, and Worry

As irked as I am about the whole job thing, I have to admit, I don’t really care about being the manager.  The title isn’t important to me, I don’t really care for being "in charge", I just don’t want anyone else coming in and thinking they can boss me around.  Heh, honestly, as long as they don’t mess with my pay, my hours, or my days off, they can do what ever they like.  I’m tired of being so worried about all of it.  This job isn’t worth half the thought and concern that I put into it.  See, my friend Bill, he’s got it figured out, he’s fine with being a flunkie, then he can just do his job, then go home, and not give any of it a second thought! 

Did I ever tell you guys how Bill is my hero?  He’s a painter, and a damn good one.  A little over a year ago, he dropped his hours down to 26 a week so he could stay home and paint the rest of the time.  I want to do that, work less so I can do what I love.  What an amazing thing.  If you have myspace, you should check out his art:   http://www.myspace.com/boobam  

I’ve been out of control since about Friday afternoon.  I’ve been eating pretty much what ever I want (or don’t want even) whatever I can stuff into my face.  ~self destruction~  I used to eat/binge to make myself feel better, and now, I do it when I feel I need to punnish myself.  There may still be part of me thinking, oh there, there, this will make you feel better, but there’s another, louder, part that’s saying, yeah, might as well eat it all, you’re a useless failure anyway…  I have to stop destroying myself.

It’s been one month since my birthday, and though I don’t think I actually, offically mentioned it, I really want there to be a significant difference in my weight by my 30th birthday.  I’m tired of struggling and saying I want to lose weight. Year after year goes by, and sure, I weigh less than I did last year, but it’s not noticeable.  I don’t want to turn 30 and still weigh over 200 pounds.    Even if I only lost one measly pound a week in the next 47 weeks until my next birthday, that would make me about 186.  One stupid pound a week…

My mom and I are going on a diet.  I know, I hate diets, I’ve said it about a million times, but I’m just so sick of all of this.  I have to make some kind of actual effort.  The diet we’re doing is the hilton head metabolism diet.  The first time we did this diet, back when I was in high school, my mom lost 60 pounds, and she hasn’t gained any of it back.  I know I lost weight too, but honestly, I didn’t start weighing myself or really caring about any of that until I was about 20…  Anyway, we know this diet works, and even if we don’t strictly adhere to every little portion, and even if we cheat a little, we know it will still work. 

I told her as we were driving to the park to walk that I wanted to do that diet again.  She’s happy about it, because it worked so well for her, and she’s wanted to get back on it a few times, but it’s hard to follow a diet like that when you have someone else going around eating whatever they want.  We all ready pulled out the menu and started with diner tonight.

I admit it, I’m all ready thinking about everything I can’t have, and everything I want to eat, even though I’m not even hungry… But we’ve decided that we’ll allow some cheats, we’ll plan some nights to eat out, and the occasional coffee, but we’ll stick to the actual diet as much as possible.  I just keep reminding myself that I don’t want to turn 30 and still be fat.

So yeah, more big commitments and promises, I’ll write it all out official-like tomorrow.  I’m also going to start working on some fat therapy too, questioning myself about all these evil thoughts and why I do the things I do.  Oh, and I will post the diet details, maybe I’ll do the whole menu, just don’t tell anyone about the copy right infringement!