What*fucking*Ever
*edit* I just want you guys to know that I know it was incredibly stupid of me to drive home last night. And I could make excuses and tell you how I didn’t see one single other car (aside from Tiffany’s) and that I didn’t go over 25mph, and point out that I was coherent enough to write all this when I got home, but I know that still, something really terrible could have happened. It won’t happen again. I’ll either get someone to drive me, or just leave my car if I have to. That’s what I should have done last night. It wouldn’t have been a big deal to just walk down there this morning. I’m sorry.
*
I didn’t have to work until 1 today, and my day up until then was nice. I took Maggie for an hour long walk in the park, then came home and took a shower and got ready for work. That’s about all I had time for. I was going to make mom and I a nice lunch, since she was coming home around 12:30 to see me before she left for grandpa’s. I should have left for my walk earlier. Anyway…
I got to work, and the store manager right away says she needs to talk to me and takes me into her office. She tells me that the corprate frame shop lady and one of the store owners went over her head and put this ad in the paper for someone to manage the frame shop. She didn’t do a very good job explaining things though, because to me, it sounded like they were putting an ad out for my job, though latter, creepy corprate guy explained to me more that it’s just that the main corprate people want someone to do all the ordering and merchandising out on the floor (and I guess make that person the manager of the frame shop) but that I’ll still have my job and everything that I do. So basically, I’ll still be making sure that everything is getting done and doing the major work, and some other chump doing the ordering for the crap on the floor gets to be the manager.
It pisses me off. And I don’t even know why. I mean they told me that it won’t effect my pay or my hours or anything, but I’m pissed. I guess it’s just the principal of the thing. How stupid creepy corprate guy was telling me that they were planning on having me be the manager eventually… Like what the fuck have I been doing for the last SIX MONTHS?? What-fucking-ever… I was so upset though.
Why is it that I always turn to self-destructive behaviour when I’m pissed? The first thing I wanted to do is get really fucking drunk. Then, I felt like stuffing my face. Then, I bummed a cigarette from my friend Kim. Then, I thought about calling Kyle… ah, for fuck’s sake! I thought about that for like 3 seconds before I decided that I’m not THAT self-destructive! And I couldn’t even stuff my face. I felt like it, and I tried, but it was making me feel worse (thank god!) then Kim and Carrie came in, and they asked what was wrong, so I just started crying… It pisses me off so much that this even bothers me. And it pisses me off that my job makes me all crazy now, and I used to love my fucking job!
Management is trying to say how bad they feel about all this, and it’s not what they wanted, but if the stupid fucks had just made me the manager of the frame shop in the first palce, it wouldn’t be an issue. And we’re all pretty sure that despite what creepy corprate guy says, this really was his idea. He doesn’t want me to be the manager, he’s had a problem with it from the start. Again, I don’t know why I give a fuck. I guess it’s just the principal of the whole thing.
So for the last, oh, three hours of work, I didn’t do a fucking thing. I walked around and talked to every one else, and I had some things I wanted to put together, so I did that. And I went into the break room and rinsed out my coffee cup, and I wrote a to do list, and some notes for journaling on the stupid store stationary (that they had printed with my goddamned name on it, even though I’m not the manager.) and another note that said, "I quit! Good luck with Everything!! *heart* Lisa" it made me feel so, so much better just writing that, and I wanted so badly just to tape it to the time clock and never look back. Why the hell can’t I just be independantly wealthy? ~L~ That would make things so much easier!
So Tiffany had said she was going out to play pool tonight, and since mom’s out of town, I thought, huh, I really shouldn’t go home and just be alone! So I whined at my Carrie in floral until she agreed to come, then I went and stalked Jennifer at her job and begged her to come too! Then I ran home and let the dogs in, changed my shirt and went to the bar. There after, I drank. Some beer, then an apple martini, then a couple of long island iced teas… ~L~ And when I went to the bathroom, I laughed at myself drunkenly, and said, who the fuck cares? I mean what does it even matter? And when I was talking to Jennifer and Carrie, I told them how much I’d wanted to leave that note, and how I should just stop screwing around and open my own scrapbooking store. I really should.
I’m still drunk now. Tiffany followed me home. That’s kinda stupid huh? Like having someone follow you home makes it ok to drive drunk. I know. It’s really fucking stupid. But I didn’t call Kyle! That has to count for something! I know I’d probably end up getting sick if I drank more tonight, but I still feel like drinking more. And I want some cigarettes. I shouldn’t smoke. I usually don’t. Just when I’m drinking, or when I’m really mad or stressed out. In other words, I have a tripple threat going on right now… But I’m not about to drive any where to buy some. I could walk down to the store, but it’s not worth it. I bought drinks for Carrie and Jennifer, and myself, about $45 for 6 long islands (See, as apposed to the $50 I spent buying enough to make 10, and still have stuff left over!!) I should have made them come to my house!!
Anyway… My walk this morning was so nice. It was sunny, a little warm, but not too warm. Just perfect for walking. I looked on the map I got earlier this week, and it’s about 4 miles total. So about 15 minute miles. Back when I first found out that I weighed 272, and I started working out, all I did is go for walks, hour long walks that were about 4 miles total. I’ve always made the best progress just from walking, so that’s what I’m really going to focus on for the rest of my challenge. I’m still going to try to do all the other stuff too, but mostly the walking. Ok, and the water is pretty important too I think! All right, I’m going to keep doing the best I can with all of it, but my number one priority is going to be walking for 60 minutes every day.
With that being said, here’s today’s check list:
way too much!
And now, since I was *officially* tagged by Jo, and since I’ve been meaning to do this anyway, some really good random facts:
1. I have a stuffed bunny named Bob. I got him when I was about 13 or 14, and I’ve slept with him practically every night since then. He went to college with me, he’s gone to Australia and New Zealand with me, and on all most every over-night trip I’ve ever taken. (There have been some occasions where I won’t take him because I’m worried something might happen to him!) Most nights, I can’t fall asleep uneil I’ve got him cuddled up with me.
2. The one thing I always wanted to be the most when I grew up was a housewife. I knew it ever since I was little. I want a family, I want to be a mom and take care of my husband and throw dinner parties… I realized the other day I’m half way there, I’ve got eh Eddie Bauer edition Ford Explorer with leather seats and power windows, and my pure bred chocolate lab, and now a bike rack and a new bike, and the other day I was picking up stuff at Lowe’s (in my Eddie Bauer edition Ford Explorer) after my walk, so as I’m standing there in my workout clothes (jogging suit? ~L~) I’m thinking, damn, I look like a soccer mom! Which some people might find depressing or something, but it just make me want to actually BE a soccer mom that much more!
3. Sometimes, I worry that I drink too much, or that I want to drink too much, and that when I do drink, (when I go out with my friends) I don’t stop drinking when I should and I’ll let myself get throwing up drunk. Though I’ve decided I won’t really worry about it unless I start drinking by myself to the point where I’m throwing up and when I actually start drinking as often as I think about drinking!
4. My mom is absolutely my best friend. I would be completely destroyed and lost if anything ever happened to her. I wish that I had a relationship with my father that was half as good.
5. I believe that someday, I will find a man that I will get along with as well as I do my mom, and he’ll share my wide range of interests, and he’ll be all sweet and lovey-dovey and clingy like me, and just as wild crazy in bed as I am… And we’ll make people sick with all our lovey-dovey-ness!! (Yes, I believe in soul mates!)
6. I’ve been wearing a toe ring on the second toe of my left foot for about 14 years now, the only time I’ve taken it off is when it rubs weird on my winter boots and makes a hole in my toe, or when I’m getting a massage (since if they oil up and massage your feet, that little toe right will come right off!) Other than that, it stays on day and night, season to season.
7. I have no problem spending money on myself. It doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas or someone’s birthday, if I see something I want, I’ll get it. Not only that, but I spoil myself all the time. Massages and spa treatments and all that good stuff, I love doing it for myself!
8. I wish that I could go back in time to the day when my parents first dropped me off at college. I’d tell myself to dump the jerk who’d mess up the next 2 years of my life, and don’t waste another second thinking about him. And I’d tell myself to just major in art to start with! If I’d just done that I would have saved myself 2 years of tuition and rent. Oh, I’d also tell myself to watch my spending more closely. I spent too much money on retail therapy!! If I had saved all that money, and those two years of college, I would have been able to go to grad school!
9. If I make pizza at home, I will lay out every individual slice of olive and mushroom and eveyrthing else so that it’s entirely perfect… it’s one of the most obsessing/compulsive things I do!
10. I started having phone sex when I was 18, over the last 11 years, I’ve had phone sex at least 400 times. I don’t do it when I’m in a relationship, but in the mean time, it’s a good distraction.
You drove drunk? That’s the stupidest thing ever, and not because you could get yourself killed, but because you could kill another innocent person. If you drove and killed yourself, then fine, you made that choice but that’s not the concern you should have foremost in your head. It should be about the other people you are putting in danger.
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I love all the random facts about you–it’s nice to learn things about you. It’s great that you don’t feel guilty spending money on yourself–I have that problem, and it sucks. I’ve always wanted to have phone sex, but I’d be so embarrassed! 🙂
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stupid work. i have one of those moments when i realized they promoted the woman over me that i had trained (i was there for a good 3 years before this happened) then i was told that she got the promotion because she has a family. ugh. she eventually got pregnant again and left and i got the job, but it was like 2 years too late.
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did u ask them why they didn’t just make you manager? Rather than train a completely new person…they’re just hurting themselves.
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those are some great facts. the phone sex is pretty crazy but really cool! 🙂 i’m sorry about all your work problems. stupid corporate america. the world we live in is a strange one. great job on not binging and not calling kyle! that took some will power!
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So much to respond to… Sucks about the title they ar holding back from you at work as you sound like you already are the manager. Um, think you should stick to drinking at home or arrange for a DD before you go out. (I lost a friend to drunk driving. It ruined me.) You’ve had that much phone sex? Holy cow! Too bad you couldn’t get paid for it. You must be really good. I suck at it. 😉
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RYN: Yes,you probably could set up your own business. Or probably join some agency and work from home. Don’t know how the rules differ between USA and Canada.
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Wow…well…I’m coming to this a bit late, but…you know, I have to agree with Jo on this one. Not only did you drive drunk, but you sound completely uncaring about it. I know you apologised to us for it, but we’re not exactly the ones that you should be apologising too. Count yourself lucky that you didn’t get stopped by police, or get hurt, or worse – hurt someone else. If you want to risk your own life, that’s your business. But there are innocent people out there you might actually want to consider.
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400 times? Hehehe, wow!;) You should do it as a job!;)
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