What Ifs and Evil Trees

So here’s the discussion that came up with a friend of mine.  Say you lose all the weight you have always wanted to and start dating a lot, and after a while, this guy sees a picture of the old you. He could have a really bad reaction, and maybe he says something that makes you wonder if he would have fallen in love with you, or even talked to you if you still looked that way.  Are you supposed to break up with this guy because he doesn’t like how you used to look?  And is that fair when YOU don’t even like how you used to look?    (Though I’d have to say, if he were one of those jerky guys that made fun of anyone over weight, I wouldn’t want to date him anyway.  Of course, I’d hope if he were the right guy for me, he wouldn’t be like that anyway.)

On the other hand, when I meet guys now that like me as I am, I worry that they’re going to keep me over weight, or they won’t like me once I lose weight.   The last guy I dated loved me the way I was, but also said that he would be supportive of my weightloss efforts.  Of course, he also told me that he’d always been more attracted to bigger girls, so who knows if he would have still felt the same way about me had I lost weight.

Then I wonder why I’m wasting my time debating all this when I don’t have a boyfriend who wants to keep me fat, nor have I lost a lot of weight and have to worry about a guy finding out I used to be fat. 

Personally, if I found out that someone I was dating used to be overweight, I’d be proud of them for what they’d accomplished, and ask how he did it and hope that we could both keep each other on track and not fall into some comfort weight gain zone.  Because really, I wouldn’t want the guy I marry gaining a bunch of weight after we got together, just like I wouldn’t want to gain my weight back, and I guess it’s all really about who you end up with and how the two of you support each other in healthy ways.

I’ve gone back and forth on this, would it be better to find someone who loves you as you are, then lose weight; or lose weight then find someone?  I think really, I’d rather lose weight first, then I know I’m happy with myself, and I’m not settleing for any one who will take me.  I guess the thing with Matt then is really complicated.  I want him to want me, but I think I’d rather lose weight first, and maybe he’s thinking the same thing.  Maybe he’d like to get in better shape too.  Who knows.  I  complicate things so much…

Though I might lose weight this week, I haven’t eaten much in the last couple of days.  It started on Sunday, when this big wind storm came through.  We have (well, had) this row of about 20 tall pine trees in our back yard.  The wind knocked them all over.  About 4 of them were on the house, on my bedroom roof actually.  I was at work while all this happened, but I got off early because everyone was losing power and all the other stores were closing down.  So there are all these trees on our house, in the back yard (oh, and they some how managed not to break anything if you can believe that!  The windows, the roof, everything is just fine, even the bronco parked in the back yard that they fell on!) However, mom didn’t want me sleeping in my room with all those trees on my roof, so I slept in her waterbed with her.

This is where the trouble starts, actually, where it got worse.  I’ve been getting kinda stressed lately, and my stomach has been being acting really cranky with me.  I get this bad gas that sticks in my stomach and makes me feel sick and makes my back hurt.  I had that happen Saturday night, then Sunday afternoon while I was at work.  It was still bugging me when I went to sleep, pushing on my back and making me miserable.  Then my mom’s waterbed completely throws me out of wack, so the next day, my back is killing me and I can barely move!  I went to work for a couple of hours, but then I had to go home.  I spent all Monday laying on my back on the floor, sleeping most of the time.  I kept trying to get up, thinking I was ok, but I wasn’t.  So last night I slept on the floor again, but it was getting too rough, so I went and slept on the couch. (Mom still didn’t want me in my room, even though we had some guys over who got most of the tree weight off the house.)

So today, my back was fine, but my abdomen is killing me.  Like my muscles got all over worked from trying to support my back or something.  It feels like I got punched a few times.  So with all that going on, I haven’t felt much like eating.  At least tonight I get to sleep in my own bed!  So I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll be back to normal!