To date or not to date

Can that even be a question when I don’t have anyone to go out with?  Well, I could have someone to go out with if I wanted to, I’m sure of that.  The thing is, I’ve only been half-heartedly looking.  I guess as much as I want to think I want a boyfriend now, it’s obvious that I don’t, since I don’t really want to try.  As much as I hate to admit it, I still have this hang-up about dating while I’m over weight.  As confident as I am most of the time, I find I still doubt the sincerity when a guy tells me how beautiful I am.  Even with Jake, who I know loved me, I was always questioning it.  And not only was I questioning how he could possibly love me the way I looked, I was questioning how he could ever love me the same if I lost all the weight I wanted to.  Yeah, that’s a big part of it too, if a guy is really attracted to me now, wouldn’t he be against me losing weight?  Because if I lose weight, I’m no longer his idea of beautiful.  Does that make sense?

I guess it really comes down to not only how I view myself, but how men view me.  I know there are some men who wouldn’t bother getting to know me if they saw my picture first, the same men who would most likely adore me if they were to get to know me before seeing my picture.  If I’m in good shape, I have more options, I can be as picky as I want to be, without feeling like I have to compromise because I can’t do better.  And if I’m in shape, I’ll know for a fact that if a guy doesn’t like me, it’s entirely his issue!

Speaking of guys with issues… I forgot to mention that Kyle called me again the other day!  ~LOL~  I’m enjoying the evil pleasure of having him still want me.  I haven’t talked to him since that time two weeks ago that I called him to let him know I wasn’t interested.  Well, ok, I wasn’t so direct about it.  I might have left him some room to think he might have a chance.  ~s~  Why?  Because a guy like him deserves to be toyed with and let down, repeatedly.  I didn’t intend on calling him ever again, but maybe now I will, just to lead him on a little more.  ~L~ He even left me his number again!  

I spent most of my day playing around on the internet.  I can’t even remember what I was doing exactly… ~sigh~ What a waste of time!  I need to stop doing that.  Tomorrow I’m just going to hang out in the craft room ALL DAY!  I did go to the gym today, so that’s something.  The chiropractor says it’s good to walk after an adjustment, it helps it settle in right or something… I’m still really tight up between my shoulder blades and in my neck area, so the nerves there are still getting pinched, so my arm is still going numb.  It’s not as bad as it used to be though.  Actually, it’s more like it was when it first started happening.  It’ll wake me up, but then I can just move my arm to a better position and it’s better.  And it’s only happening one or two times a night, not four or five like it used to.  It’ll go away eventually.  That’ll be nice!

What I Ate Today: (Mom and I went to the drive-in, so it was a cheat night, but I still kept track.)

2 slices whole wheat toast
1 cup oatmeal
1 egg
1 cup milk
1 cup grapes

3oz hamburger
1 cup egg noodles
2 Tbps pizza sauce
1 banana

1/2 cup coleslaw
1 cup mashed potatoes
1/4 cup gravy
3 pieces chicken
1 cup grapes
1 cup(ish) carmel corn