On Hold

The other night I actually went to bed early, I usually write my entries pretty late at night, becuase I actually like hanging out with my mom, so most of the time the two of us are doing something together, which means I’m not here writing earlier in the evening.  Whew, that was long winded.  Anyway, I should totally be in bed now too.  I was going to get up super early and go to the gym with mom, but that was only if we went to bed by 9pm.  It’s now about 11:30.  The only reason I even care about when I go to bed is becuase I still have a touch of that dang cold, and I’m getting tired of it!  I just need a few good nights of sleep!!  (I complain as I write instead of sleeping!) Oh well, I like to write, and I need to write, it makes me feel better. 

Speaking of feeling better, I realized today that I’m feeling better, happier, more like my self, though later I realized that it has something to do with me still holding out just a little hope that Matt is waiting until valentine’s day to respond properly.  I mean guys never seem to place as much importance on the time issue as us girls do.  Well, and I’m bad with having to wait, I’m impatient, and I like a lot of attention.  It bugs me when the guy I’m with doesn’t call every day.  If he does come though, it better be big time.  ~sigh~   You know, the real pain of it is, even if he doesn’t, I don’t think I’ll be completely over my crush.  I said I wouldn’t hate him, and that’s true, the fact of the matter is, I wish I could hate him for not wanting me, but more than anything, I feel a little sorry for him because he’s obviously not smart enough to know a good thing when it falls into his lap!  Ok, that and it would take him doing something pretty dispicable to make me hate him (or anyone for that matter).  That or a new, wonderful boyfriend… I’ll take door number two!!   In the mean time, I’m still holding on to that hope…

The other thing that’s holding is my weight.  I’m not too bummed, it tends to do this when I haven’t done kickboxing in a while then I start back up.  Maybe that’s becuase I start thinking, oh, hey, I’m really working out now, I can eat more!  *booo*  I would keep track of my eating, but it makes me think about food more, and want to eat more, and ugh, I just need to pay better attention.  Also, I’m PMSing this week, and that’s a damn good excuse!  ~L~  Anyway, I’m trying to come up with a workout plan of sorts, kickboxing 2 – 3 times a week, walking/elliptical 2 – 4 times a week, and pilates twice a week, and some yoga 2 -3 times a week, oh, and I have this belly dance tape I want to do!!  And yes, every time I start thinking about really working out I get this carried away!!  I need to drink more water too.  I do ok, but it should be better. 

You know, it really kills me that I know the dang weight loss formula, I know all those things I should be doing, this should be easy!! (yeah, right)  ~sigh~ I just need to try harder, do better, care more.  I think sometimes the thought of actually losing weight and being thin scares the hell out of me.  I’ve been over weight my entire life, the idea of thin is so, surreal.  I over think everything.  And the only reason I’m even thinking this now is because it’s an excuse for why I haven’t lost any weight in the last three weeks.  Never mind the drinking that one weekend and all the crap food, and the fact that I lost all that the next weekend and got back to where I was, and now I’m just holding most likely because of my period, but I have to get all analytical about it.  I guess it’s that or I beat myself up over it, but that never helps, at least this way I’m developing some weird theory and I feel like I’m probing into my psyche… ~L~

I probably just need more sleep.  Sleep makes everything better!