OMG, I’m actually on a diet…

It’s been a while since I’ve talked about my weight, I’ve meant to a couple of times, I’ve just never gotten around to it.  So a little before I started at Wal-Mart, and in the couple of weeks there after, I was feeling very disgusting, so completely fat and horrible.  I’ve never felt so bad in my life, like I was being completely crushed and smothered by my own weight. 

The last time I was here visiting my mom, on June 8th, I weighed myself, 262.  So, considereing my lowest weight, 233, I’ve gained about 30 pounds.  Ugh.  So horribly disgusting.  When I was home last time, I was looking at the South Beach diet book that mom had recently bought, we’d kind of talked about it before, and I’d read maybe half the first chapter, but that was about it.  This time, I flipped to the diet part of the book.  At first, I thought it sounded completely impossible for me.  No carbs?  No fruit? No sugar? No alchohol?? (Which I think is mostly what got me into this mess to start with! Luke and I seem to have a couple of beers most nights, or a bottle of wine, so many calories!)

The more I looked at it though, the more I thought I might be able to do it.  I mean it’s only for two weeks.  So Luke picked me up from my mom’s, and as we were driving home I was telling him all about it.  He was really great and supportive and offering to cook some of the recipies out of the book for me.   He didn’t even balk at the whole idea of giving up alcohol and bread and sugar. He’s just so completely wonderful.  I mean I know before I had a few bad days and I cried to him about feeling fat and horrible, and he would just hold me and tell me how beautiful I am and that we’ll walk more together.  I don’t know why I would expect anything but support from him.

That weekend, I bought a bunch of lettuce and spinach and other good salad things, and Luke bought me a bag of boneless, skinless chicken breasts.  I also got lots of eggs, cottage cheese, sugar free jello and fudgecicles.  For the first week, I wasn’t really on the diet, I mean, for the most part I was eating good stuff, though I was also eating up the other things we had around that would be temptation foods later. 

I officially started on Sunday the 15th, well, I don’t even know if I can really say officially, since I didn’t really start out all gung-ho, and I wasn’t even sure if I’d be able to stick with it!  I mean usually, I go through such a huge planning stage where I’m all excited, but when it comes to starting, it kind of fizzles out.  I didn’t even write about it before I started, and usually that’s the first thing I do!  I thought about it, but I think that I may have decided against it, since I’ve just gotten so tired of writing about all these great diet ideas, and how "motivated" I am, and how I’m going to do it this time!  Every time I’ve done that, it’s never worked out.

I’m not sure why it’s working so well this time.  I did buy all the right food, that always helps, maybe it was because I was feeling so horrible and fat and I really didn’t have a choice, I HAD to do this.  It does make it easier that I don’t feel totally restricted, even though I can’t have sugar, carbs, etc. but since it’s only for two weeks, I figured I’d be able to manage that!

Luke’s out of town for a month or so, which at first I thought would be helpful with me trying to do this diet.  Though once he left, I realized that usually when I’m alone, I tend to binge.  I eat all sorts of crap when no one’s looking!  And now that I really realize how great Luke would be in helping me out and making me walk with him, and keep me from wanting to binge, I wish he was here!  Of course, I wish he were here for all sorts of reasons, but now even the one "good" thing about him being gone isn’t even working for me! 

Anyway, for the first few days, I was craving all sorts of crap.  I couldn’t stop thinking about food.  It doesn’t help that I’m cashiering all day and seeing all this crap food that I shouldn’t be eating (ok, no one should really be eating it!) and smelling! Fresh french bread and roasted chickens from the deli!  Ugh!  I stayed on the diet though! 

I’m going to have to do some work on my whole desire to binge.  I mean even after these two weeks, I can’t just go back to eating all that crap, it would totally defeat the purpose of all of this!  I have to get out of the diet mindset and get into the lifestyle mindset.  Figure out how I can be one of those girls who can just have a slice of pizza, one cookie, whatever, and have that be enough! 

Right now though, I’m just amazed that I’ve stuck to this as long as I have, and now there are only 4 1/2 days left, I know I’m going to make it to the end!  I need to start exercising though.  That used to be the one thing that I had down, I had no problem getting my exercise in, and that’s pretty much gone now.  I mean Luke and I walk a few times a week, but I really need to get myself into the habit of working out in the morning!

Anyway, I haven’t weighed myself since the 8th, and I’ve decided that I’m going to wait until the 29th, the day after I finish my two weeks!  I thought about weighing myself this weekend, but I didn’t want the chance of a negative scale reading to keep me from finishing!  I’m really hoping that I’ll get a good number on the 29th, I’m sure that I will, I’m all ready feeling so much better, so lighter! 

a bad number on that scale!

I wasn’t planning on taking my scale to Omak with me, it’s been here the whole time, but I don’t think that helped me at all!  Of course, who knows, I weighed myself a couple of times along the way, I saw the scale at 248, and 254, but that didn’t wake me up!  I even knew how bad I felt, and how upset I was that my pants were so tight, but it wasn’t until my pants stopped fitting, and I felt like I could barely move any more that I finally woke up!  Still, I’m thinking I’ll take the scale with me now so I can keep track the weight loss! 

I made it through day five! Tomorrow might be a challenge, I’m going to see Luke in the morning, and since I’ll be there all day, it might be difficult to stay on track. I’m just going to have to pack a lunch before I leave so I have good stuff to eat while I’m there! Oh, and as if this wasn’t going to be difficult enough, I made him chocolate chip cookies and lasagna. I have to say, at least right now, I’m so proud of myself for making that and I still haven’t cheated! Yeah me!! I didn’t even taste the cookie dough or anything!

Day six is done and over and I stuck with it!  Luke ate lasagna and cookies in front of me and I didn’t have any! (Ok, that makes it sound like he was tempting me, I actually don’t think he was going to eat any of it in front of me, but I asked him if he’d like me to heat up some lasagna for him, and made him try one of the cookies, so I was really the one making him eat!) I did have a Sugar free, non-fat vanilla latte (actually, I think the lady gave me carmel, but whatever!) Anyway, I don’t think I’m really supposed to have those, but I needed something to fill me up a bit between then and when I got home to eat! Oh, and his dad had brought in some fresh strawberries too! Oh lord, they smelled SO good!  But I’m not supposed to have fruit in the first two weeks, so I didn’t have any!

I am just amazed at my persistance through all this, I’ve just never, ever been able to stick to any kind of diet.  I know I really needed something like this, but I’ve said so many times that I’ve needed to do something like this and I’ve never been able to, usually I don’t even make it through one day.  I don’t know what’s different this time, I just know that something is, and I’m so glad that it is!