Oh my word

I forgot to mention that last night I actually retired my gazelle from it’s duties as a catch-all. (I had my picnic basket sitting on the foot peddles, some christmas presents that haven’t found a home yet, and my feather boa draped over it!)  I got it all cleared off and made sure there was adequate room around it, then brought in the tv/dvd player from the other room and had everything all ready for in the morning!  So when I got up, even though I didn’t have as much time as I would have like to, I did a whole 30 minutes!  Yeah me!

When I got to work, it was the same old thing that’s been going on all week, nothing to do!  Mary from Scrapbooking gave me this 6 x 6 chipboard album to put together, so I asked her what she had that was new that I should use for it, so I gathered up some things and went to town!  Ok, not totally, I didn’t get that much done on it, but I have ideas!  And there aren’t too many pages, so it shouldn’t take too long!  I’ll have to print out some pictures to put in it, along with the pictures I need for my other projects so I can finish those as well!  It’s so nice to get paid to scrapbook all day!  I really do need to find some way to translate that into my own business some how.

When I got home, mom and I had dinner, and then we went into the craft room where I worked on Jennifer’s baby book, which I really need to finish, I know right now she probably doesn’t care all that much, but I’d like to have it done before Gavin’s 1 month birthday! (Which is on the 20th!)  Then after I’m done with that I can focus on the nifty little books I was going to make for all my girlfriends for Christmas, but that didn’t happen, so I’m thinking they’ll make great Valentine’s day gifts, IF I can get the baby album out of the way first!  The albums for my girlfriends should be fairly simple, they’re just 4×8, a few pages, and I all ready have a plan for how I want to lay out the pages, so with any luck, I can have them done by Valentine’s.  Oh, and I have to get Luke’s ultra-super-terrificly-fantastic-LOVE-OF-MY-LIFE valentine done too! (I’ve decided to name it that because it must be better than the crazy crush valentine that I made last year!!)  I was telling him he’d have to break out the crayons and glue to make me something good, and he actually said, yeah, I was thinking about that… ~grin~  How cool would it be to get a handmade card from a guy?!?! 

We’re not planning on doing anything over the top for Valentine’s, I told him I’d be perfectly happy to just be with him, for the two of us to make dinner together and spend a nice night with wine and candle light.  I’d much rather do that than go out anywhere.  Oh, and I told him he can get me flowers when ever, because they’re totally extortion on Valentine’s day!  Besides, I think for his birthday (Jan. 26th) we may be going to Spokane, probably catch a hockey game, a movie, and some really excellent Thai food!  Then my birthday is in March, so I think I’ll vote for Seattle, the art museum, and some excellent Thai food!  ~L~ (I think I’m going to have to learn how to cook Thai!) Anyway, since we’ll be doing neat stuff for our birthday’s we don’t really need to do anything special for Valentine’s day, when everything will cost more and be crowded anyway!

Ok, now on to the un-diet portion of our show…

So the other day I was perusing the entries in the fitness and weight loss circle because I love picking up the excitement from people just getting started, and people who are still pressing on ward, and well, any kind of information, inspiration or understanding that could help me out!  So one of the diaries I read was Going, Going, Gone Who posted these questions after reading a post secret post card which read "I’m fat because I eat, I eat because I’m alone, I’m alone because I’m fat." (The actual post card is on her page)  Now admittedly, I don’t have the alone problem any more, somehow, I got lucky enough to snag myself a really terrific guy, but I’m still eating more than I should.  I think part of me believed that once I was really in love, everything else would just fall into place… I guess that’s about as realistic as thinking that losing weight will make everything just fall into place.  Anyway, the questions she posed were these:

Why do you overeat?  How do you plan to deal with those things in the future without food?
Yeah, things I’m sure we’ve all thought about in some form, but when posted as a "writing assignment" it got me to thinking, (since I’m a nerd and I love writing assignments, and I was always so good at essay questions!) and it occurred to me that I’ve never actually answered those questions.  I know there are other questions along these same lines that I really need to ask myself, but for now, these two will do.

Why do you overeat? Oh, so many reasons… Food has always been associated with love, and rewards.  Big family gatherings, a special treat when you’ve been good… But I even though I’ve been fat my whole life, I wasn’t aware that I was overeating until I went to college.  It was there that I could then buy anything I wanted to, eat as much of it as I wanted.  I didn’t have to share with anyone, or have my mom tell me I couldn’t have something.  I ate as an act of freedom, and when I was sad, I ate to give myself comfort, to reward myself after a hard day, and then I ate when I was happy because that’s how we celebrate!  Things are a little different now, I eat mostly to stuff down bad feelings, when I’m feeling down on myself I’ll eat poorly because I figure I all ready feel bad, might as well… I eat because I love the way food tastes, even when I’m stuffed, I’ll keep eating.  I think that comes from a childhood thing of wanting to make sure I got my fair share, and being afraid there won’t be any left later.  Not because I was from a big family, or we couldn’t afford more, no, mostly from having a dad who would have 3rd and 4th helpings… if you didn’t eat it now, there wouldn’t be any later.  And yes, I still eat to reward myself, make myself feel better.  I think "comfort food" is perhaps the greatest oxymoron ever.

How do you plan to deal with those things in the future without food?  I’m still working on this.  I know all the things I’m supposed to do, waiting out the craving, drinking water, journaling, etc.  Most of the time I use my "adult" status to decide that if I want something, I can have it when ever I feel like it.  I need to realize that part of that "adult" status is really the ability to say yes, you can have it when ever you feel like it, but why do you really want it?  Is this really what’s going to make you feel better? Yes, as with dieting itself, I know all the things I should do, it’s just the application where I tend to fall apart.

With that in mind, I’m going to attempt an un-diet.  A lot of my over-eating and poor food choices come from lack of preparation.  I don’t get up early enough to have breakfast,I don’t pack a lunch, then I’m starving, and hey, isn’t it handy that taco bell is right across the parking lot from where I work?  Yeah, not so much.  So,  I’m starting to pack my lunches the night before, yogurt and a tuna sandwich and an orange, things like that that are actually good for me, and they’ll fill me up!  And I’m going to try getting up a little earlier so I have time for breakfast.  My plan is to watch what I’m eating as often as possible, then when Luke and I go out to dinner or have a few drinks, it won’t be a big deal.  Then in all situations, I need to listen to my body and stop eating when I’m full.  Mom and I have been making a lot of rice lately, which is the perfect thing, because it’s not so bad if I fill up on that.  I’m also going to bring in some tomato soup and other low calorie soups too.  Things like that make me feel satisfied, and if I’ve had three good meals, I’m way, way less likely to over eat. 

The other key factor of the un-diet is exercise, which I’ve always been really good at, until recently.  I don’t dread it any more, I actually ENJOY working out, I love the way it makes me feel.  I was in such a good mood all day today because I worked out this morning!  It’s been the last few months that I really started slacking off.  I’ve got good excuses, sure, I’m living in two places and holding down a job in one place while trying to find a job in the other, and feeling like I need to spend every spare minute with my mom, and wanting to be with Luke all the time, and then just wanting to relax and stop thinking and worrying about everything!  But I need to exercise, I need to feel better about myself, and heck, just feel better in general, and that’s what exercise is for.  Right now, I’m going to shoot for 15-30 minutes 5-6 days a week.  I don’t want to set really high goals for myself right now.  I just want to do what I can.

Another important component of the un-diet, I’ve decided that I’m not going to weigh myself.  I don’t think any good ever comes out of it.  I mean it always seems to me that I’m doing just fine, and I think I’ve had a great week, then I weigh myself.  My scale mocks me… it says, no, you haven’t had a great week at all, actually, it looks like you’re just wasting your time… Then I really screw things up!  So I’m just going to focus doing the things I know I should be doing, and reminding myself that it’s how I feel that really matters.

Besides the obvious motivations of feeling better and looking better, I do have another really good reason to get in shape, or I will have a good reason… See, Luke hasn’t proposed yet, but I’m sure he’s going to, and if he does it soon enough, I’m planning on being married this October.  And I’d prefer not to have this exquisite gown I’ve been dreaming of for the past 10 years tarnished by my overly robust physique.  I don’t feel like I need to drop 100 pounds by then, I’m not going to attempt to reach my "goal" weight of 130, I have I don’t want to starve myself or do anything crazy, I just want to look better.  I’d be happy if I could make that dress in a 14 or 12, ok, preferably 12… though honestly, I really don’t really care about meeting any specific goal. 

Though that does mean that if things go according to plan, I’ll be getting married in about 39 weeks.  That’s plenty of time to make a noticeable change.  And wow, I actually feel really, really excited about this now. ~aahhhhh  blissssss~