Not so much

For the last five days or so I’ve been feeling kind of bummed.  At first, it was becuase I thought my hours and days off at work were going to get all messed up, well, and the whole New Years eve thing.  To me, it’s all most as bad as Valentine’s day.  I’ve never had a boy to kiss on new year’s eve, and that makes me sad.  And maybe a little more so because I thought for sure I was going to have a boy to kiss this year.  ~sigh~  Then, I’m still thinking about the Christmas party, and Matt, and wondering if he’ll ever ask me out, which then turned into wondering if he really does think I’ll drag down his get in shape efforts, or if he just thinks I’m too fat… So then of course I have to get all down on myself about not being able to get into shape, and being so annoyed with myself becuase I always say I’m going to do it, then I never do.  So after that, I have to go into the "why bother" mode.  Which never completly destroys me, but it does insure that I won’t reach my goals.  I’m such a pain in the ass some times.

I’m so tired of this cycle.  Aparently not too tired of it though, since I’m still repeating it!  I just don’t know how to pull my self out of it.  I get all these great ideas, all these plans, then I turn right around and sabotage myself.  Maybe the thing is not to think about it so much.  Maybe I should just focus on other things, like getting my room cleaned up and working on all the projects I have started.  I can focus on myself without making it all about dieting.  At least I hope I can.  I really need to.  I do not want to be having this same damn conversation with myself next year!  (Or in a few months even!) I guess I need to just stop feeling sorry for myself and get my act together.