Happy Day

I feel totally drained right now, and I’m planning on crawling directly into bed after I finish writing this, but it’s such a good feeling!  Kickboxing was awesome,  I was able to do a lot more than I thought I would be, and I got a great workout!  Ok, fine, I’ll admit it, one of the reasons I’m so happy about going back to kickboxing is because I got to see Matt!  He was telling mom and I that he’s going to have to have surgery on his knee again.  They did something to it in July that was supposed to fuse the cartlinge back together or something, but it didn’t work.  So I don’t know if he’s going to be in class next week, so I think I may be giving him that valentine on Wednesday… Eeekk!  But if I don’t do it on Wednesday, I may not see him again until March, so it’s now or never!

As we were driving home from kickboxing mom was saying that maybe I should just call Matt and ask him out for coffee or something.  I’m like, yeah, I tried that all ready, remember? (I left a message on his machine the summer before last, which he never returned, though later I found out that he was out of town, and then when he did try calling me back, he thought I was avoiding him. (I don’t have caller ID, and I never answer my phone, I just let the machine get it and screen my calls.)  And then by the time I saw him again he thought that I hated him, then I dated some other guy, and blah, things just didn’t happen like they should have!)  Anyway! She said she just doesn’t want me to be destroyed if it doesn’t work out. I’m like, so how would talking to him on the phone and getting turned down that way make it any better?  I told her I just want to give him the damn valentine, becuase I made the thing for him, and I’ve made up my mind to give it to him and I’m going to give it to him!  Then I told her it wasn’t fair to make me have second thoughts and start doubting myself!  I’ve been working so hard on keeping myself convinced that it’s the right thing to do.

She said she didn’t mean to make me doubt myself, I told her I keep thinking that this is either going to be the best thing ever, or it will be a disaster.  But I don’t really think it will be a disaster, if he’s not interested, all he has to do is follow the directions that will be included in the disclaimer and act like this hugely elaborite valentine never existed.  Like mom says, expect the best, but be prepared for the worst!  I think I’ve been focusing too much on preparing myself for the worst lately!  That actually occured to me the other day, so I’ve been trying to focurs more on the positive outcome.  In a way though, I can’t focus too much on that, it’s like the sun, it’s too much to look right at it.  I know, I’m crazy, and still over-thinking!