Distant *edit*

I don’t know what’s up with me lately.  I feel tired a lot, and a bit detatched from things.  Just going through the motions.  I don’t like being on auto pilot.  I feel like I haven’t felt like myself in a while, which isn’t true, it just feels that way.  But I can’t seem to figure out what it is that’s throwing me off.

*Warning, the rest of this ended up being a rant about my ex boyfriend, so it’s stupid, feel free to skim over it.*

I’ve been thinking a lot about my ex-boyfriend.  Not in a "let’s get back together" way, but in a "damn, that all got really messed up and why did we end up fighting so much?" way.  the whole thing bothered me so much becuase I absolutely HATE fighting with anyone.  My dad used to (well, still does I guess) yell a lot for no real reason, and my standard reaction is to clam up.  Either that or I yell back, and then it’s obvious that I definately inhareted part of that temper.  So I hate that that side of me came out too.  Like wow, thanks for bringing out the worst in me and making me feel like everything was my fault! I keep thinking about the fights we had, and how much they upset me, and I guess I tend to worry that the same thing will happen in another relationship.  I mean this guy seemed so perfect, then wasn’t at all, though I guess now I’m able to see more of why we just weren’t right for each other.  I don’t even like talking about this because I feel like my mind keeps going back to it, and I don’t want to give it any more attention.  But then again, maybe my mind is going back to it to make sure I don’t over look the important factors.  So blah, I hate to do this, but fine…

For one, he was too young, 7 years younger.  Which was mostly an issue because he wasn’t where he wanted to be job wise, he wanted to go back to school, and he definately wasn’t going to be ready to settle down in the next 4 or 5 years and have kids. (Even though he said he was.)  He couldn’t really stand up to me, not that I’m super bossy or anything, I guess I just felt like I was above him, and I didn’t want to be, it just felt that way.  I can be really agressive, (ok, and a LITTLE bossy!) and I’m very self-sufficiant on many levels, basically, I need a guy who doesn’t feel threatened by me.  Oh, and I tend to be kind of sarcastic and joke around, my whole family is like that, and he really couldn’t take a joke and roll with it.  That sounds like I was being really mean, but it wasn’t like that.  The biggest thing though, I didn’t get any sense of security from him.  Not in any way.  Maybe that really boils down mostly to emotional security.  When I was upset, he would push me away and refuse to comfort me further until I told him what was wrong.  I even told him that I have a hard time talking to anyone about things that really upset me, even my mom sometimes.  And sometimes it’s just a matter of knowing that something is bothering me, but I’m not sure what.   So I want you to hold me, let me be upset, let me be quiet and think things over until I’m able to figure it out.  Instead he’d push me away, force me to talk before I was ready, so things would come out all wrong, and we’d end up fighting. Makes me feel really great about wanting to open up to some other guy in the future.  And of course I know not all guys are like that, and I hate sounding all dammaged and messed up, I hate baggage. 

I just want to get all this out of my head.  I thought I was over it.  I think some how the whole thing with Matt made me start thinking about all this.  I’m not sure what it was that brought this all about.  Maybe in part it’s because I feel a little guilty that I’ve stopped talking to him.  See, it was weird, after we broke up and he decided to go back to California, we spent the last 3 days together, and everything was fine.  It’s like we got along ok without the whole relationship thing.  So we talked afer he moved back, almost daily, until he got mad because I said I couldn’t really handle talking to him all the time because it was too painful.  Then later he told me he felt like he’d made this huge mistake, and that he didn’t really try to fix anything. (No shit man, didn’t I tell you that 100 times?)  Then we kinda talked about possibly getting back together.  Then he got mad at me because he decided I drank too much, probably because I happened to have been drinking when I told him I didn’t appreciate how he would take the other person’s side when I told him how someone upset me.  "Well, your boss was probably just having a bad day!" Things like that…  And honestly, there was one thing that happened while we were together that I just couldn’t get over.  I had to get a mamogram because my gyno felt a lump.  He drove me to the appointment, but had to leave because he was meeting with a lady to rent an appartment.  I called him while I was waiting in the room, all freaked out and crying, and he was sweet and comforting.  However, he couldn’t be bothered to answer the phone when I called him latter to tell him everything was fine.  There wasn’t even a cyst or anything.  And he couldn’t understand why I was still mad at him after he said he was sorry, but he knew everything would be ok!  Repressed, bitter anger… 

The last time I talked to him was durring the wind storm that took out our trees.  I had called my dad, who didn’t seem very concerned, so I turned to him, I guess just because I wanted someone to give a damn that I was feaking out.  He was concerned, but he just wasn’t able to give me what I needed.  And it dawned on me that even if he had been there and we were still together, he couldn’t have given me the comfort that I needed then.  I didn’t make a conscious decision not to talk to him any more, I guess I just relized that every time I talk to him, I ended up feeling worse.  But I still feel guilty about not talking to him any more.  Damn me and being a decent person! 

 *Additional Info*  I met him on-line and started talking to him on March 19, 2006.  I met him in real life on April 14, he stayed for a week, then came back on May 22 for another week, and a week after that he moved up here.  The original plan was that he was going to move up in July or August, but we were impatient.  So he moved in with mom and I while he and I were looking for an appartment.  On July 1 we had our first fight, he had made last minute plans with his friend, I was a little upset about it, I told him I thought it was inconsiderate to do things like that when you’re living with someone, he didn’t think he should have to give up that feedom, and there was a lot of yelling involved.  He decided to get a place of his own the next day, and moved out on the 19.  The biggest fight was July 24, and I felt like it was over then, but he didn’t officially break it off until August 10, and he moved back to CA on August 13.  So we were together about 5 months, and now it’s been all most 7 months since he’s been gone.  And it’s been a month since I last

talked to him.  And now this really is way, way too much attention to be giving the subject, so I’m done!