Did Cupid’s Arrow Miss?

Well, no news today.  ~sigh~ I’m between wanting to still hope, and trying to get over it. That combination doesn’t work very well.  Here’s a run-down of my day:

Mom woke me up at 6am this morning to go to the gym.  I only agreed to this because I didn’t have to work until 2pm, so I had lots of time to take a nap after going to the gym!  I got in 30 minutes, and mom, well, she used the tanning bed and did about 6 minutes while she waited for me to finish! I stayed up for a little while after we got back home, but I started feeling really drowsy, so I crawled back into bed.

I got woken up around 10:30 by the dog barking, and I’m in my still half-asleep daze wondering what in the world was that all about? (Since the dogs were in the house, and they don’t bark in the house without a good reason.)  Then the doorbell rings (again, that’s what the dog was barking about the first time) and I’m like, oh my god! And I’m trying to get my ass out of bed, and trying to find some clothes and well, by the time I got to the door, there wasn’t anyone there. *grumbles*  I want to think that maybe… but I would think he’d be at the high school all day teaching.  It could have been one of the neighbors or something.  Damn my naked ass for being asleep!  (Now that I think about it, if I’m going to sleep naked, I should at least keep something handy to throw on in cases such as these!)

I offically wake up a while after that and get ready for work, and my day goes by fairly quickly, I’m in a good mood, and optimistic, and telling my friend Cate at work all about the whole thing.  By the time I got off work at 9pm, and got home a while later, I’m thinking that chances are, if I haven’t heard anything from him by now, I’m probably not going to.  At the same time, there’s a little bit of a chance, maybe, I guess…

I was ok with it, or at least actively avoiding not thinking about it, but I also wasn’t talking much.  (If you know me at all, you know me being quiet isn’t normal at all!) So mom finally asks me to tell her what’s going through my head.  That’s when I started crying.  Damn it all.  She tells me how it’s ok, I did the right thing, he’ll still be my friend, but now I can move on, and all the other things she’s supposed to say to me.  I wasn’t hysterical about it, just sad.  I finally said that I don’t really blame him.  Which I does sound a lot more self-deprecating than I actually feel about it.  More than anything, I was feeling angry with myself.  Angry about all the years I’ve wasted saying I was going to lose weight, and all the things I feel like I’ve missed out on because of my weight.  Which also, again, really does sound a lot worse than  how I was really feeling.  I know, how can that not be as bad as it sounds?  But strangely, I wasn’t plunged into some deep loathing or self-pitty, it was more like, man, that sucks.

After mom knew I was ok, she went to bed.  I didn’t feel much like sleeping, so I actually decided to watch some workout tapes. (You know how they always say that you should view the tape once through before doing it?) So that’s what I did, and I started crocheting a scarf for a freind of mine, actually got it half way done too. And I decided that the "Pilates for Wimps" tape that I have is very promising.  I’m going to try doing it 2 or 3 days a week on the days I don’t have kickboxing. 

Fine, I’ll admit it, I’m sure that part of the reason I’m being so "whatever" about this is because it hasn’t fully sunk in yet.  And I am still holding out some hope.  Mostly because I was pretty sure that if he wasn’t interested, he’d go against my disclaimer and at least e-mail me.   I know it’s probably a lost cause, but I’m still hoping.  I’ve decided I can do at least that much until Monday.  By Monday it’ll be really obvious and I won’t be able to deny it any more.  I hope I can at least hold to my end of the deal and be cool about it if he’s in class Monday night.  I’m not sure if he will be, but if he is, I really hope he doesn’t say anything about it then! Yikes.  I’m pretty sure I can be ok as long as he doesn’t bring it up! 

But you know, maybe, just maybe, this is a total soap opera thing, and he loved the valentine, and he was on his way over with the lillys (or orchids) but he got into an accident and now, he’s in a coma!  Then, I’ll find out about it, and I’ll visit him in the hospital, where they’ll have put the valentine next to his bed, because he was gripping it so tightly when they pulled him from the wreck, and they’ll tell me about the lillys (or orchids) so I’ll know, and I’ll wait for him to wake up, but then, my evil twin will escape from the Scandinavian government and she’ll tie me up and keep me in the basement so she can assume my identity to escape her captors, and when he wakes up, he’ll confess his love to me, but it won’t really be me, it’ll be my evil twin! and she’ll try to be me, but he’ll know because she’s not nearly as funny and perky as I am, and her right hook is no where near as good, and her kicks are so bad, he’ll figure it out and come looking for me! Then he’ll find me, but she’ll come in and catch him, and try to hold us both at gun point, but just then, the Scandinavian army bursts in and saves us!  Then later, Matt and I will have to invite them all to the wedding, where undoubtedly, the commander of the army (Steve) will fall in love with my mother…

~LOL~ Woooo… I think I need to sleep… I don’t even watch soap opras, but maybe I should be writing for one?  All right girls, thank you in advance for all the love.  xoxo