Who wouldn’t

I’m so fucking upset right now.

I forget if I’ve mentioned here that Derek (my most recent ex) has a girlfriend. Which I know because Noah and Derek know a lot of the same people (they still cross paths occasionally, which is really awkward because they absolutely hate each other now. Because of me. Which feels really awkward). His girlfriend is really pretty, like supermodel-gorgeous, which is so annoying, because I kind of think ex-boyfriends should just exist in some alternate reality where they never get to date again and just have to be sad at losing me for all eternity, or at least they should only be allowed to date people much uglier than me. (I’m kidding. Mostly)

Anyway, they’re engaged now. Which is AWFUL timing for Noah to find out about, because of all the fights we’ve been having about the whole wedding date issue. He heard about it at work today, apparently her parents are super rich and they’re going to have some crazy elaborate wedding, they already have the date set and stuff. So…ugh. Not a good thing for him to hear right now.

So he came home, and kind of picked a fight with me over it once I had Baby napping. (Oh. I should mention, because I got a couple "your baby shouldn’t have to see you fight" type comments on the last entry, that we never, ever fight in front of her. It’s something we decided and agreed about from the start, that whatever is going on between us, we put it on hold when Baby is around and deal with it later, so she never has to hear us raise our voices with each other. He is at least really good at following that rule)

I kind of think that what Derek and his girlfriend (fiance, whatever) do really has nothing at all to do with Noah and me. But I think it’s mostly that he’s already kind of irritated with me, and just kind of wanted an excuse to bring the marriage topic back up. And I also kind of think Noah was being really childish about the whole thing, and just acting jealous and stuff. He said something like "why does a total jerk like that get to have the things I want?"

I somewhat jokingly said "what, you want to marry Derek’s girlfriend?" and he sort of under his breath said "who wouldn’t?" 🙁 He apologized right away for saying it, and tried to say a whole bunch of stuff about how he really didn’t mean that at all, and obviously he loves me and I’m the one he wants, etc., but it’s kind of hard for me to just look past him saying that. And I felt insecure enough about how much hotter she is than me, when she was just my ex’s girlfriend…so now knowing that Noah probably thinks she’s better than me, it really fucking hurts.

I really hate feeling like this. He’s in the other room and I’m trying so hard not to cry.