Torn

If you’re sick of the Mike/Noah stuff, don’t bother reading this. I know it gets tiresome that I basically have been saying the same thing for like a year now and haven’t made any decisions, but…well, that’s what is, and so that’s what I’m writing about.

Anyway, got a note on the last entry that made me think a bit (anonymous note, which in no way offended me, so you should have signed it!). It was in response to the part about how I’m having trouble writing vows, and the gist of the note was that I would be able to write something good for Mike, and I shouldn’t be getting married.

So first of all, I actually disagree that I’d have an easier time with writing vows in any other circumstance…I’m just not very good at putting emotions into words, and especially not when I’m going to have to say those words in front of people. So the vow thing is something I’d be struggling with no matter what.

But to the larger point….yeah, a lot of the doubt and apprehension that I’m feeling about the wedding probably wouldn’t be there if I were doing all of this with Mike. When I picture looking into Mike’s eyes and telling him I’ll love him for the rest of my life, it doesn’t sound scary at all. I know this, and I’m still planning to go ahead with the wedding, and I know that makes me sound stupid. But I’m not ready to give up on my relationship with Noah, and I don’t think that marrying him and giving as much as I can to trying to build a family with him is something I’ll regret in the long run. I think if I gave up on my relationship with Noah, without letting it fully play out, I would regret that. Because there’s a lot of good stuff here…it’s definitely not perfect, but we love each other, we have a baby together, we have great sex, we’ve lived together for a year and a half now and still get along.

But no, I don’t really always know if marrying him is the right thing to do. I’m not sure how the wedding will go. I’m kind of terrified that I’ll look in Noah’s eyes to say vows, and find that all I can think about is Mike.

But if it works, and ends up feeling right, and Baby can grow up in a family that’s all together, then I want to try for that. I always get some notes that say basically the same thing, that it’s never a good idea to "stay together for the kid." But that’s not really what this is. Noah and I aren’t at each other’s throats or something, we get along really well. We have a good relationship in most ways. And I feel like part of being a good mother is putting my baby’s happiness ahead of my own, which is something my own mom NEVER did. My mom made decisions all the time based on what random guy she thought she was in love with during any given week, and never so much as noticed how it might affect me. I don’t think I could live with myself if I did just what my mom did, making a decision just based on what feels good to me, rather than what I think would be best for her. She has a great daddy. She deserves to have him around every day.

So that’s where it is…the same as always. I’m still here with Noah, planning to try and give this the best shot I can. And my heart is still with Mike, and I think it always will be. And I don’t really know what to do about that.