Tiny

No one seems to be around here anymore, so I’m guessing no one will actually read this. Which is probably a good thing, because I just want to sort of write it out for my own benefit or something.

I really hate my body lately. Noah isn’t helping with it. The thing that sucks is that he’s really not trying to make me feel bad in any way, he probably thinks he’s helping. But every time he tells me how good I look lately, all I can hear is "thank god you’ve lost the baby weight. Don’t ever get chubby again!" I know that’s not really what he’s saying, but it’s how I hear it. When he runs his hands over my body, there’s a part of me that almost feels like he’s checking me for flaws or something. I know it’s stupid, and I don’t know why I can’t turn that part of my brain off.

It makes me feel so insecure to know that he so much prefers me at a specific size. I know I’m capable of staying that size, but not in an entirely healthy way, and I hate feeling like I have to choose between being healthy and looking the way my husband wants me to look. And it’s not like he wasn’t attracted to me before I’d lost the baby weight, but he did occasionally make comments, and they have really stuck with me.

It just sucks because I really want to find a way to be more healthy and have a better outlook and all that. Since A was born, my body seems to really want to be a certain weight, that’s about 10-15 pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight. So I’m kind of fluctuating a lot right now, because any time I try to just eat healthy and not obsess, I quickly gain a few pounds, and then I freak out and starve myself for a few days, and it’s a really bad cycle in that way. And sometimes I feel like I might actually be able to make peace with my body just having a new "set weight" if I didn’t think that it would mean Noah finding me less attractive.

Part of me wants to just not care what he thinks, because I had a baby and of course it changed my body. And part of me feels like that’s a really dumb excuse, and there are plenty of women who have babies and still look great. I kind of end up hating myself whichever way I go with it. And I don’t like how much I care what he thinks, but I crave validation way too much, and have a really annoying need to feel desired.

The other day while we were having sex, Noah said (in a very approving way), "you’re so fucking hot and tiny." And it made me feel good in the moment, but made me feel like absolute crap later because I feel like I’m never going to be able to simultaneously be healthy, and be the way he wants me to be.