Social

I’ve been getting out a bit more the last few days, and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again! It’s not just since Baby was born….I’m realizing that I’ve been a bit weird and anti-social for the last few months, really.

Pregnancy fucks with the mind, I think. It’s weird, because there were times I was pathetic and moody and it was obviously just the hormones, but a lot of the time I really just wasn’t completely myself, and it was much more subtle and hard to identify. I was sort of annoyed by people in general, and cut out quite a few of my friends, and going out with people just sounded like a chore, which is very weird for me.

So now I’m starting to get back to my normal social self. Although it’s hard to be all that social with a baby in tow, but I’m trying. We went to a Halloween party last night for a little while, and although I left pathetically early it was kind of nice to see that I can still hang out with my friends who don’t have kids, and it’s not weird. I do still want to make some new friends who have babies, of course, but it’s good to feel like I don’t have to start all the way over.

Speaking of making new mommy friends, I’m going to venture out to a playgroup tomorrow morning. I’m scared!

I’ve gotten a lot of notes the last few weeks asking how things are going with Noah. The answer is….things are going really, really well, but I’m afraid to let myself feel it. He’s an amazing dad. He’s so in love with his little girl, and it just makes my heart melt to see them together. And he’s back to treating me like gold, the way he did when we were first dating. Everything is perfect. Except….he was such a giant asshole to me for the last couple months, that I have trouble just believing things are good again. I don’t know.

I had honestly thought, the last month or two of the pregnancy, that I would probably break up with him after she was born. I promised myself I wouldn’t make any major life-altering decisions like that until I no longer had preggo hormones fucking with my head, but I was kind of done. And when I mentally had checked out of the relationship, I started letting myself really believe there was a possibility of being with someone else. And now I’m having a hard time letting go of the possibility of him, even though I probably need to.

So relationship-wise, I’m still a bit of a mess. I’m really happy that things are going well with Noah, and that I have a chance to have a good life with the father of my baby. Obviously, that’s the ideal situation and I’m going to do whatever I can to make that happen. But at the same time, I’m actively in love with someone else, and was kind of enjoying thinking about a life with him. The whole thing confuses me….at most points in my life I kind of thought myself incapable of falling in love and having any kind of real relationship, so I have no idea how to handle being in love with two people at once.

Anyway, that’s a bit of an update. I probably won’t write that much about it, though, because I’m probably too over-analytical about my relationship and it doesn’t do anyone any good for me to talk myself in circles about everything. Basically, things are fine for now and I’m trying not to look too far into the future because there are too many hypotheticals and unknowns and I just get frustrated trying to sort everything out.