Mommy wars

I got to see a bit of a mommy fight at playgroup today.

One of the moms is new to the group, and just recently made the decision (after being back at work for a couple weeks) to quit her job as a lawyer and stay home full-time. When she introduced herself, there was a lot of congratulating on that decision from some of the other moms. Until she said…."I really don’t know what I’m going to do with all this free time!"

I wouldn’t have thought anything of that comment, because I’ve thought the same thing to myself quite a bit. But apparently this is a BAD thing to say when you’re in a room full of stay-at-home moms. So they started saying all the things that I’ve heard over and over, but don’t fully agree with, especially: "taking care of a baby is the hardest job in the world!"

No. No, it’s not. At least, it’s most definitely not the hardest job I’VE ever had. It’s maybe in third place, behind being a waitress, and my most recent high-stress job. Being a mom is exhausting, and rewarding, and sometimes stressful. But I’d take my current life over waiting tables any day, and never try to say it’s harder.

Some mornings I don’t even really have to get out of bed. I just bring Baby to bed with me, feed her there, play with her, take a nap together…there’s no WAY that’s hard compared to most jobs. And the great thing is, I can spend a whole morning in bed without feeling like I’ve been lazy or wasted my day, because right now hanging out with me like that, breastfeeding, watching my facial expressions, hearing my voice…that’s the best possible thing for her development. So I can have a totally productive morning without leaving my bed or fully waking up…find me another job where that’s possible.

I fully admit that it will probably get harder. I’m sure it will be more work once she can walk. I’m sure all of this is WAY harder for moms with more than one kid. So maybe when THOSE moms say "it’s the hardest job in the world" they really mean it. But the group I was with this morning is a first-time moms’ group. And we all have small babies. Meaning, none of the women in that room have more than one kid, and none of them even have a kid who can walk yet.

So it makes me wonder whether we’re all just so conditioned to defend our choices when they’re not in need of defending, that we pull out phrases we’ve heard before and just sling them at each other. It felt like some of the moms today were so defensive about their choice to stay home with a baby, that they lashed out at a woman who made the exact same choice, just because she implied that staying home wasn’t all that difficult.

I’m always so afraid to get into any conversations at playgroups because people are so weirdly defensive about their parenting choices. My kid gets her vaccines on schedule and breastfeeds, and I truly don’t give a fuck whether the person I’m talking to made those same choices. After some of the conversations I’ve heard about circumcision, I’m really glad I have a girl so I don’t have to have THOSE conversations. (seriously, in what world is it normal to go up to a new mom and ask her about her baby’s penis??)

Maybe it’s some sort of weird bonding thing, an attempt at seeking out kindred spirits. I mean, the whole playgroup thing is weird….it’s a totally random group of women with absolutely nothing in common besides the fact that we all happened to give birth within a few months of each other. And I think human nature just makes us want to find ways to connect with each other. Personally, I’d rather connect with the other moms over a shared interest or something, but apparently it’s more normal to try to connect by hating on another person’s choice.

I love being a mother. This is by far my favorite job I’ve ever had. But the most difficult thing about it is dealing with other moms.