Mike

Ok, I know you’re all totally sick of my whole Mike thing, but I don’t really have anywhere else to talk about it, and this is my diary, so deal with it. 🙂 I don’t even really have anything in particular to say about him, I just really have him very much in my mind right now and have no real outlet for that.

I spent a while today talking with him. Which doesn’t happen nearly enough, being able to actually talk, as opposed to typing (a vast majority of my communication with him is through email and chat, just because that’s much easier to do when I’ve got Baby around, or when Noah is in the other room so I can’t talk out loud). So getting to talk is a rare occurrence, and I always end up sort of glowing from it, which lasts a good day or two.

I love him, you guys. I know a lot of you don’t get it, and I don’t even fully get it myself…if you asked me to write out an explanation I’d draw a blank. But this isn’t some fleeting infatuation or a "grass is always greener" thing. I love him, deeply, and have for well over a year now. And I’ve known him longer than I’ve known anyone else in my life. I can be totally my dorky self with him, and not worry at all that he’ll think I’m stupid for it. I feel completely comfortable and safe with him, and I’ve been able to open up and tell him things that I’ve never even told my therapist. And it’s not just that I trust him not to use those things against me, it’s that he’s able to somehow take the really dark parts of me and make me feel better about them.

The way he loves me is just…beautiful. It’s probably the closest I’ve ever come to having unconditional love. I feel like I can be in whatever mood, say whatever thing is in my head, and he’ll just keep loving me. He makes me feel beautiful, and treasured, and like I’m worth something. We’ve talked about spending our lives together, and it feels so easy and natural to say it, and to picture a future with him. I can picture myself decades from now, still completely in love with him.

We have stupid little inside jokes (and since his name is the entry title, I assume he’s probably reading this, so…ducks! And hi. And I love you…and I could maybe just write you directly instead of annoying everyone else by talking to you in an entry). And when something random or funny happens during the day, my first thought is to tell him about it. Sometimes he randomly pops in my head, nothing specific, just…him, and I can’t help smiling. Because even though this situation really fucking sucks, even though it hurts that I can’t be in his arms, loving him still feels so good.

I can’t stop. I really fucking can’t stop. Sometimes we talk things over, and decide that I need to try and give my relationship with Noah a chance to work. And he starts pulling away a little, and all I can think to do is cling to him and pull him back in. I kind of panic when I think about losing him. I know he’s really the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and he just fits me perfectly. We’re both flawed people, and both have very different sorts of damage, but we just work so well together. And it hurts so much not to explore it, and not to be able to at least just spend a few hours in his arms.

I love him. He means everything to me. And I can’t lose him.