Hey!

I just discovered that OD still exists! And is running maybe a bit faster than it was before. A little. I couldn’t get in for like a week, so I just figured it had died. I wonder if anyone is still here…

Anyway, not really that much to say. I’m so excited for the first Christmas where A is going to be big enough to actually notice things (last year she was still working on important things like holding her head up). She LOVES the lights, and the tree, and the wreath on our door (she tries really hard to say "wreath." She’s not very successful with it). She’s adorable, and gets so happy and excited about everything, so watching her get into all the Christmas stuff is so much fun.

I’ve been fighting some with Noah lately. I feel like our fights tend to drag out over several days because we’re really careful about not fighting in front of A (something we agreed on before she was even born, and we both feel really strongly about). So during the day he’s not here, then when he gets home we can’t talk about things because we’re spending time with her, then when she goes to bed sometimes he just falls asleep on the couch and it’s not like I’m going to wake him up to continue our fight or something. So it kind of feels like the very limited amount of time we have alone is spent trying to deal with our issues, rather than having fun together. Which sucks.

He’s mad at me because I’m having issues with eating again. I really, really hate how much my eating problems seem to cause problems with Noah. I feel stupid and annoyed with myself about it enough, and then he makes me feel worse. I feel like he really just doesn’t understand how I feel about it, which I guess makes sense because I don’t know that anyone fully can understand my issues. I don’t really understand myself most of the time. But the more I feel pressured or judged about it, the worse it gets.

I’ve gained like 10 pounds. It sucks. I had finally, finally lost all the baby weight (not in the most healthy way, but whatever), and the winter is just making it impossible for me to keep it off. And Noah thinks I like to make excuses and that blaming winter doesn’t really help anything, which he’s right about. But when it’s cold I want comfort food, and breastfeeding makes me HUNGRY! And I’m still nothing close to being actually overweight or something, and I told him that I feel like I might be able to actually make peace with just being this weight (because it’s probably more healthy than what I weighed before getting pregnant anyway) but I feel like I can’t make peace with it because I know he won’t be as happy with me.

And he says all the "right" stuff about how he loves for more than just how I look, but to me that’s basically just saying "I love you even though you look terrible." And I’ve kind of called him on that and he doesn’t really correct me. He’s said that it’s not really fair of me to hold it against him that he happens to be most attracted to women who look like what I looked like when he met me. And he’s right. And it’s not like I want him to lie and say he likes me just as much with a few extra pounds, because I do want honesty. I think I’m just wanting something impossible, which is for him to genuinely like me just as much the way I am now. So it’s frustrating, and feels like a fight that’s impossible to resolve, and it’s just kind of exhausting to deal with it.

I wrote way more about that than I meant to. I know this is incredibly boring. I guess I just wish he could be a little less mean when we fight about things. When he’s mad at me, it’s like he doesn’t really care how I feel and says things just to hurt me.