Fat *

So, I had a baby 7 months ago, and while I haven’t lost all the baby weight yet, I at least feel ok about my weight most days. Noah apparently disagrees.

There’s a dress I used to wear sometimes, that he really especially liked, and I still need to lose a few more pounds to fit into it. He randomly asked me last night why I never wear it anymore, so I told him it doesn’t fit me right now. And made some half-joking remark about how that’s the price I pay for being a mother. At which point he just kind of gave me a look and said "she’s 7 months old. I don’t think you get to use her as an excuse anymore."

I told him that since it took me 9 months to get all huge and pregnant, that I shouldn’t have to feel guilty if it takes me another 9 months or so to get my body back to where it was. And that they sliced through my stomach muscles, so it’s possible that I won’t ever look quite the same again, and I’m ok with that because Baby is totally worth it.

Seriously, it’s not like I’m fat. I need to lose another 10-15 pounds to get to where I was before I got pregnant, but I really don’t think I even SHOULD get that thin again, because it wasn’t healthy. But…that’s what Noah likes. He has always liked his girls really skinny, and I’ve known that and been aware of it, but I guess I stupidly thought that he wouldn’t be hung up on it, since I just had his baby and all.

He said that he loves me for more than just how I look, obviously, and that he still thinks I’m sexy. But then said "I think we’re both happiest when you look your best." I don’t even know what the fuck to say to that, really. I definitely had no idea what to say to it last night, and just told him I’m working on it, and to be patient. Which probably sounded like I agreed with him or something. And I think he thinks we’re all good now, because he was acting normal this morning. But I’m totally not good now. Today when he was fucking me, I was so aware of my stomach, and wondering if he was turned off by how I look. It sucks feeling that way.

Now a part of me wants to go obsessively work out, and a part of me wants to go buy a big tub of ice cream. And throw it at him.