Confession.

I haven’t been eating enough lately. I haven’t wanted to admit it, especially after writing all about how I’m learning not to hate my body and all that, but I guess the disorder doesn’t ever fully go away. I was stuck for quite a while at 120, and was sort of feeling ok about that, and trying to just like and accept what I saw in the mirror. And then I finally lost a few pounds, and that seems to have triggered all the usual thoughts, and now I feel absolutely fucking desperate to lose more.

I really don’t like this about myself, and I really rarely admit it or talk about it because honestly it just feels so fucking stupid and embarrassing to have an eating disorder. But I decided I should at least write about it here, anonymously, in the hopes that it will force me to just deal with it. I can’t just stop eating when Baby depends on me to feed her. And in the longer term, I need to figure out how to beat this so I don’t just pass on all my issues to her.

I almost passed out today. It sucked.

I don’t know how to explain this next bit…I think it’s one of those things that only makes sense inside my head. But in a sick way, I crave the light-headed feeling I get when I’m intentionally not eating enough. I HATED that feeling when I was growing up, when I didn’t know when I’d be able to have my next meal, but for whatever reason when I’m in control of it, when I know I COULD eat and am just choosing not to, I love that feeling…it makes me feel in control. I know it’s really weird and sick, but I don’t know how not to feel that way.

And it ends up feeling almost like an addiction sometimes, where I keep thinking "I’ll just do this until I lose 10 more pounds, then I’ll stop." But I know it’s never going to be enough, and as much as I convince myself it’s about the weight, I know there’s not a number on the scale that ever makes me feel better.

I hate that I feel this way, and I hate that it doesn’t seem to be enough to just tell myself that Baby needs me to be healthy….the disordered part of my brain kicks in when I try to do that, and tells me that Baby will get the nutrition she needs, and it’s just an added bonus that she’ll be eating up the calories I take in.  And I like that part of my brain more, and want to listen to it, even though I know it’s not really rational and I’m being stupid and weak and pathetic.

I really don’t like this part of me, but I don’t know how to change it when it comes up. I just try to enjoy the times when I’m ok with myself, because I know pretty soon I’ll go right back to hating my body and desperately wanting to starve it into submission.

I hate myself today.