Church

Noah finally got me to agree to go to church with him yesterday. He’s not pushy about it, exactly, but he has mentioned it at least once a week since shortly after we started dating. Not in a "you’re a sinner, you must go to church!" way, more just that it’s a big part of who he is and he wants to share it with me or something.

For some reason, though, I haven’t really wanted to go, even just to check it out. I grew up going to church and loved it then. And I had a brief time a few years ago when I started going again, but then I had kind of a bad experience and stopped, and haven’t really wanted to go ever since. Which sucks, because a lot of the time I feel slightly lost, spiritually, and like I need a community like that to keep me centered. But I don’t know what I believe anymore, and I don’t want to pretend.

But Noah wants to have Baby baptized, and I figured I should probably at least find out what kind of church it is he goes to, since I’m guessing he’ll want to take her there sometimes when she’s older. So I went. And it wasn’t bad at all, really. All Noah’s church friends were really excited to meet me and baby, and the service wasn’t too preachy. And I know these are the people who helped him stay sober, so I guess I can kind of appreciate them for that, if nothing else.

The thing is, I just don’t know at all what I believe. And I don’t think I’ll ever really know. I believe in God, I think, in a very abstract sense…I think there’s a higher power, and probably some sort of afterlife, although I don’t know what’s real, genuine belief, and what’s just me not wanting to believe that everything is random and when I die all my thoughts and memories will die with me. That’s WAY too depressing, so I just choose to believe there’s something more.

But the people at Noah’s church all seem so SURE about it. Not in the judgy "I’m better than you because I’m a Christian" way, they just seem very confident and content in what they believe. And it makes me wonder if some of them are pretending, or if they’re all really that sure about it. Because how can anyone be sure??

He wants me to go with him again. I’m not sure if I will yet. He really loved having me there, though…the sex afterward was even better than usual, he was really, really into it. So apparently church attendance = hot sex with lots of dirty talk.

Religion is weird.

Part of me feels like resisting going there because it’s HIS church. I can’t think how to explain it. Like, it’s his church and I’m just visiting, and I didn’t choose it myself, so maybe it doesn’t really mean as much to go there as if I found a church on my own. I don’t know.