to love somebody

things with john are going well.  swimmingly in fact.  we’re on exactly the same wavelength, both wanting to be a little cautious and not rush things, it’s safe to say we’ve both been hurt before.

you know when something just feels right? nothing is forced, nothing is held back, and it’s all just happening with no effort, no planning, no anxiety.  it feels like i’ve finally realised that this is what it should be like.  i always said when i found the right guy it’d be worth the wait.  i don’t know if john is the right guy, but i do know that what’s happening with us feels right, and incredible, and for all the horrible boys i’ve been out with, i’m happy that i have john now and can appreciate him for being the genuinely nice, caring, thoughtful, considerate guy that he is.

for the first time in a long time i feel like someone is giving me everything i want.  i feel like i’m a priority for him.  don’t get me wrong we both do our own things, he’s got a camping trip planned next weekend, i have the hen do holiday coming up, we don’t see each other every night but very much look forward to when we do see each other.  i feel like he stimulates me, on every level.  we always find something to talk about, whenever we make plans or say it would be nice to do something he’s proactive about it – i’m being whisked away at the weekend to the lake district, destination and plans a complete surprise, all i know is i had a text yesterday asking if i was still free at the weekend, then a text saying hotel booked! and sexually – lets just say i didn’t realise how much of my mojo was missing until he came along and blew the cobwebs off!  it’s passionate, it’s adventurous, and it just happens.  there’s no awkwardness, no embarrassment, it’s exciting and satisfying.

is it love? i don’t know. i feel like all the times i’ve thought i loved someone recently i’ve been deluding myself.  i’m a jumper, headlong, feet first, throw myself into it and hope for the best.  and it always ends up in tatters.  i’m not scared to jump with john at all, it’s not a fear thing. it’s a changing things up thing. it’s a falling rather than jumping thing. it’s just happening. i find myself saying that about him, about our relationship, a lot.  things just happen, when we’re both comfortable, when the time feels right, without us even having to think about it.

all i know is that it feels good to be happy, to feel like i can be myself entirely without any fear of him thinking i’m an idiot or changing his mind about me.  i know i make him happy too. 

i know this is another gushy entry, but it’s not really. it’s an i’m happy, he’s happy,  it’s all good, it’s going well kind of entry.  it’s a butterflies in the stomach, stupid grin on my face when i think about him entry!

to end on another note, remember the entry about the guy with the HIV and PCP pneumonia a while back? who we sent to liverpool because our itu didn’t want him? he’s alive. and well. i did good, i feel so proud that i kept him alive long enough to send him to someone who would look after him! 

xx