I’m messed up

I have issues. My exes have totally fucked me up and I’ve just been from one horrible ex to another so I haven’t even realised how badly I’m messed up.

John went to his friends last night, which is fine. He told me that he was going when he’d finished work, at half six. I suppose I had it set in my mind by that time that I’d see him seeing as he hadn’t said he had plans previously.

So he went to his friends, and text me to say his phone was dying but he’d text me when he got in. I fell asleep, and when I woke up around midnight there was no message saying he was home. I text him saying I hoped he was ok. Finally got a reply this morning saying he’d left his charger in work, which to be fair he’s always going.

We’ve been messaging today, had a little chat on my lunch, he said he’d come to mine when I finished work. I got in just after 8…… Have finally heard from him at quarter past nine saying he’d been at his uncles and his phone had died again because he hadn’t charged it much in work. And that he’s gonna grab a shower and come round. And that he’ll stay and get up really early with me when i go to work and leave with me.

I know I’m massively overreacting to feel pissed off about this situation, he’s done nothing wrong. I’ve just been in a lot of horrible relationships where I’ve been let down at the last minute, and where I’ve sat around waiting for guys to decide if they can be bothered to see me. Which isn’t even what’s happened in this instance, I’m just being crazy. I love this boy, he gives me everything I want and need, and I trust him completely.

It’s entirely unfair that I’m even entertaining thoughts of John in the same headspace as any of the horrors I’ve been out with in the past. I know how much he loves me and wants to be with me, he tells me that when he thinks about his future it’s with me. Even to the point of telling me it’s nice that I’ve met the dog when he’s a puppy because I’ll have known him all his life. And that dog is his prized possession.

I just don’t want my past horrible experiences in horrible relationships to affect my relationship with John. I just don’t know how to react normally to situations within relationships anymore. I’m not sure I even know what’s normal anymore. I just know I’m being silly about this, John is not anyone I’ve dated before, John has no intention of hurting me.

I can feel that I’m being completely crazy. I know I am. I know that when John tells me something it’s not an excuse, it’s a genuine explanation and I’m being mental for projecting this onto him. He’s a really good guy, and he loves me, and I can’t behave like this and expect him to accept it. I know if I explain it he’ll understand, but I don’t want to hurt him by allowing him to think I think he’s like those other guys.

He’s absolutely nothing like those other guys. He’s the best thing that’s happened to me relationship wise in like forever and I’m not gonna be an idiot about it.

I’m not gonna let those past hurts creep into my relationship and taint it.

Xx