Emotional

Whenever I’m sick I cry. For absolutely no reason. When I’m sick, I’m completely on the edge emotionally. Tv adverts for cat food can make me cry.

So imagine my reaction when john text me this:

Hey gorgeous just leaving work now. Gonna have a shower and pop round if that’s OK!? Still feel like crap but miss ya. Xx

Absolutely bawling like a baby.

We had a good long chat in hamburg, about how things were going with us. My mum had passed comment that we didn’t see all that much of each other sometimes and as much as I justified it as us both working mad hours and the like, she did have a point and it must have been something that was subconsciously playing on my mind cos I couldn’t shrug it off.

So I told John I’d had a set to with my mum, and I told him what it was about. He asked me how I felt about what she’d said, and we discussed it like grown ups. I said that I felt like he was holding back sometimes, and he said that he’s so used to liking someone, investing everything, then having it go tits up that he’s afraid. As usual, my response is that he hasn’t invested everything in me, and I’m very different to the people he’s dated previously. Also that if things were going to go wrong with us it would be because of his reticence, and that I didn’t want to feel like I had 85% of him, and that any of his exes still had any hold over him.

So we talked, and laughed, and cried, and it was intense and romantic and a complete revelation that I can tell him what I want or need and he’ll listen. I just need to be careful how I do it, be subtle, be calm, and not make him feel like he’s being accused of failing me I suppose.

It’s interesting actually, if I word a message correctly, or drop a subtle little hint about something, he kinda comes to the conclusion on his own. It must be like planting a seed, it seems like if I say something small he definitely thinks on it afterwards and makes a change.

My basic argument was that he’s lived with his last two girlfriends so if he goes out after work or just crashes, they would still have got to see him, whereas if we don’t make time for each other then we just don’t see each other. I don’t want to monopolise his time, or even see him every day. I have things I like to do, and friends I like to see, and sometimes when I’ve worked all day I just wanna throw on my pjs and eat something fat and chill on my own in front of the tv.

I think the initial reaction when someone says they want to see more of you is to carry on like they’re trying to tie you down. At least, it seems to be a general boy reaction! Once I said I wasn’t imagining a set number of nights per week, or wanting to even make mad fancy plans, it’d just be nice to see him and chill together and chat about our days face to face instead of over the phone, he kinda got the picture.

So yeh, hamburg was amazing in more respects than one. I think we grew as a couple. From what he’s told me, he’s used to rowing with girls over, well, everything. I don’t mind a confrontation but I prefer not to have them with people I love if I can help it, and being able to just cuddle up in bed, in the dark, and chat about our relationship was lovely. I think it was probably quite an experience for him too, seeing as slanging matches pretty much seem to have been the way things happened previously.

I’ve totally moved off point but this conversation came to me while I was writing, and I wanted to record it because I feel like it’s a milestone in my relationship education. You can get what you want in a relationship without it being a fight or a struggle. You don’t have to be afraid to tell your partner if something is making you unhappy, which to be honest has always been my biggest fear.

I think I’ve always assumed that if I told a partner I was unhappy about soemthing, they’d walk away from the relationship. To be fair, it has happened on occasion. Usually I’m made out to be a drama queen, or that I want too much too soon, or that I want too much full stop. Now I realise this was a tactic to make me feel so bad about bringing something to their attention, usually something I didn’t like about their behaviour, that I’d never mention it again and they could carry on doing exactly as they wished. Reverse psychology.

To be fair, I was weak when it came to guys too. I know I let them get away with murder, gave them too many chances, let them treat me dispicably and I’d still be waiting when they were done. The stupid thing is, I was scared to say anything in case they ditched me. Not realising that actually, being ditched by them was probably the best thing that could have happened.

But then everything happens for a reason. You make mistakes to learn from them. And I’ve learnt a LOT of lessons, and made a lot of realisations about what I want from a partner.

I honestly think I could have found that with John. I’m well aware it won’t all be plain sailing, and it hasn’t been easy at times getting this far. We both had our hangups coming into the relationship and we certainly both have our emotional baggage but I wouldn’t swap him for anything. I know he’s in my corner, and I’m in his. And that in itself is a minor miracle.

Xx