broken

I think my patients have been trying to break me this week.  I worked three long days, and they are three of the worst shifts I’ve worked back to back in a long time.  you quite often get a terrible day then things settle down, but these three were horrific.

Wednesday, I was looking after a 23 year old girl with muscular dystrophy.  she had pneumonia and I ended up having to put an emergency call out for her after she became so unwell.  cue lots of intervention, lots of conversations with the family, and the decision that in the event, she wouldn’t be resusciatated.  her dad was lovely, he said they’d already had her for longer than they ever expected, and he wouldn’t want her to suffer.

we ended up sending her to the local childrens hospice on Thursday, they had been involved in her care four years ago, she had been sent there for end of life care and ended up recovering, and returning home, but they had continued to have input even though she’s over 18, which is lovely.  so as soon as they knew she had been admitted this time they came straight to the ward to see if we needed any help from them.  sadly, she passed away a few hours after we tramsferred her across but she was comfortable, and peaceful, and with her family, which I suppose is all you can hope for.

it does make you think though.  she’s the same age as my sister, and that is something that just hit me in the heart.  my sister, as much of a pain in the ass as she can be sometimes, is full of vitality.  she’s six foot tall, always on the go, loud, hysterically funny, extremely ditzy, and apparently some kind of secret genius because she’s almost completed her accountancy degree.  I know whenever I write about her it’s to moan, because she drives me round the bend, but I love her to bits and we are close.

I can’t imagine what her life would have been if she had been born with a life limiting disability.  I can’t imagine sitting here now, as my patient’s two brothers are, without my little sister.  yes she drives me round the bend, but she’s also amazing in her own little way.  when andy and I broke up, and I came home crying, she hugged me and cried with me, because she didn’t like to see me upset.  when tim and I broke up, she was 16, and asked me if I wanted her to kneecap him for me.  we have each others backs, as only brothers and sisters can.  I can’t imagine not having that.

it also made me think, what would I do if I became pregnant and discovered I was having a baby with a disability.  I don’t know if I could cope.  I don’t know if i’m incredibly wicked for even thinking that but I don’t know if I could set myself up for the heartbreak, knowing that if I had the baby I wouldn’t have it forever.  I also wonder then if you’d love that baby more, knowing you’d only have it for a little while, and if you then have the capacity to love any other child in the same way. 

I see grace, the way she’s growing up, so full of life and finding enjoyment in every little thing.  tearing around causing chaos. full of love. I suppose that’s all anyone wants for their child isn’t it, for them to be happy and healthy.

Thursday and Friday followed in much the same vein, lots of critical patients, a five minute sit down in the boss’s office because I needed to collect myself before facing the onslaught again. I’m supposed to finish at 7.45pm, having worked 12 hours, and I’ve finished at 9pm every night this week.  I’ve come home, eaten my tea, gone to bed, and gone back in the morning to do the same thing all over again.

I’ve never been so grateful to have worked in the team I work in.  the girls have kept me going, honestly, they’re amazing.  apart from the actual physical support of taking care of my patients when I’ve been detained with a poorly one, they’ve kept me amused no end.  we have the most wickedly inappropriate conversations, entirely unprofessional, and liz’s imitation of ‘my head is wobbly’ (you definitely had to be there), has propped me up for two whole days!

thankfully I have a wonderfully understanding boyfriend who delayed coming to my house last night when I was stuck in work, then when I finally finished and rang him he asked me if I wanted taking for curry and beers.  there can only ever be one answer to that question, so we went for curry and beers.  came home and snuggled and was asleep about three seconds after my head hit the pillow, poor boy, I looked like something out of the night of the living dead but he still told me I was beautiful, bless him!

xx