Buddy

I finally got an xplination of sorts last night, as to why she wasn’t talking to me. I didn’t know what I had said meant that much to her. I mean didn’t think it was going to cause that much friction, and I didn’t think she would think that I would mean it the way I said it which isn’t how I meant it. Truth be told, how she wants to dress up the child is fine. It was more the fact that he was crying and to me it seemed that he was unhappy with what he had on, that caused me to say what I said. Little did I know, that children can hate one the and love it the next. I should have stopped and thought about it, but I guess I got flashbacks of when they used to dress me up in things that i didn’t like as a child, just cause they made me look pretty. And I hated that feeling, oh but he looks so nice. Yeah leave it on him, even though inside I was on fire from the heat, or was cold cause it was not a warm jacket, but it looked nice on me or made me look nice. So that is why when I heard the child screaming and crying and throwning a fit, that I said what I said.

I know its not all water under the bridge per say. And I know saying I am sorry isn’t going to take it back. It was said, and it is done. I am sure she will always remember that some time down the road. Its kinda hard to let things go, and just forget about them. Not to the point where they are going to haunt you or what not, but in the back of your mind, you will always remember it. Until I say or do something worste that is going to replace those things. Then she will remember that till the next one that comes around, so on and so forth. I think its a never ending cycle. I have also come to realize, that she gets her feelings hurt to easly. Which I guess is human nature, what is a joke to me, is bad for her. I know I have said that its been almost a year and what not, but I still don’t really know who she is. When I told her about knowing what her sister felt when she didn’t talk to her, I wasn’t trying to be arrogant, or trying to be funny. I just wanted her to understand, that though I might not be anybody in her life, that she shouldn’t stop talking to her sister when she does something wrong. I am all for ignoring the people that are friends and what not, but when it comes to family, it isn’t too cool not to talk to them. I mean they are your blood and you just can’t stop talking to them. Who knows, it might be the last time you get to talk to them, and then what. So that is what I was trying to do there. To make her realize that she needs to keep in contact with her sister. And from what she told me last night, she did talk to her. Don’t know if it was cause of what i said to her or not. Did I accomplish anything..I dare say not.

The conversation last night was short. I wish I would have been having a drink. It would have been so much easier. Wish I could have had a drink afterwards, but na. I think I am done. Its funny, I tend to keep a mental record of what was said in each conversation dating back to almost a year ago. Funny how the mind tends to remember some things, and totally ignore others. Last nights conversation, I can’t remember it. I don’t think I said I was sorry, and she didn’t yell at me, like she always does when I am wrong. I think I admited guilt, which is something I am learning to do quit often with her. After all, when there is too much evidence against you, you just can’t say oh well I didn’t do it.

I wish I could have tried to xplain myself to her. The acts and also why I did it. I didn’t cause I figued it would just make matters worste. Did it, or didn’t it help? I don’t know. Soon after she sent me a couple of txt. I was trying my hardest not to suck up, and make an ass out of myself. I did try to move myself over to her good side. I don’t think it worked. I was awaken by a few txt from her this morning, and just as they came, they stopped. I have learned not to pruse what I want any more. Guess that is why I am still here with nothing to do. I have a tendency of giving up to easily. Mostly its cause I know before hand that what I am presuing is going to fail, or xplode, or just isn’t going to work. Why spend time on something that you are for certain is going to fail. Trust me, I have done it time and time again. I have come to the conclusion that with her, I might end up failing. I told myself that I was not going to be pushy and ask for anyhting any more. Learned that the hard way, the time I wanted to send her flowers.

Though it was fun calling all these mortage companies and asking if a certain someone worked there. Had one person tell me she couldn’t realise that kind of information. I told her about how all I wanted to do was send her flowers, and they said person didn’t think I would be able to accomplish that. Wether she believed my story or not, she still told me that there was no such person with that name working there. Was she lying to me, or was her name really not what she told me? Like I said, too many questions, and so few answers. I don’t question her truthfulness, no I shall never do that. If she wants to lead me astrey with lies, and deciete, then its all on her. I can just sit back, and think of myself as a fool that got played every which way. I can get over it but will she be able to live with herself after making someone feel bad.

I find myself writing her not asking for advice or anything of that nature. If you so find yourself wanting to leave a comment please feel free. I shall read it, and think of it what I want. I am mostly writing here to have a recored of what my seven days without her have been. Not looking to push dirt into the grave in which our friendship has fallen into, but I do think things are changing, and I don’t know why, or how. It all goes back to us not getting any younger, and our not wanting to meet up with each other. I guess I am staring to give up, and lose hope. We get so close. So close, and then we just seperate. She told me once she was afraid of things changing if we tried. Well sorry to say, but things are going to change even if we don’t try. Lets just try and if things change, atleast we tried. I still think she is getting back at me for what happened three years ago. Ah, what can I say or do that hasn’t been done before.

JP