Regrets, I’ve had a few…

I think I just need some writing therapy after this evening. I had my first panic attack in a long time. I haven’t cried for months and months until this evening and now it seems like the tears just want to flow freely- wet, hot, and unapologetically slowly down my cheeks. I think everyone has to have at least one thing they regret in their lives. I unfortunately have several. I sometimes wonder if there is any way I could fix some of these regrets. And if I did try fixing them…would it end up just another solemn regret to add to my list of failures along my life’s journey? There have been so many people to come and go and I just couldn’t keep it together enough for them to stay, and some I just absolutely pushed them away…maybe for fear that they’d leave me in the end too. It’s not like I was super close to them or had them in my life constantly as I was growing up…these family members in fact, never made an effort to be in my life or get to know me and the only reason we even talked just a little was due to social media. Sad but true. Only one of the three half sisters tried the most after she moved here when I was 15. I also think…they have my number and address, if they truly cared they would call or write…but I don’t think they ever did in the first place. I actually never told them to leave my life or to never call or write…I just got rid of them on my social media, that’s it, nothing at all was ever said one way or the other. It’s been 5 years of zero communication with my father’s side of the family. 2 half sisters, 1 adopted sister, 3 niece’s, 1 nephew, 4 great nephews, and 2 great niece’s, and an aunt. All except a half sister and a niece live out of state though. That to me is just kind of sad and unfortunate…the fact that none of us could become close. I really should stop wasting my time and energy on people who never cared in the first place. Would it be a good thing to try and reach out after all these year’s? That is what I battle with in my mind the most. Would it be worth it to put myself out there, become completely vulnerable with myself, my mind, my emotions- to risk the hurt and social anxiety all over again? I became so hurt being left out of important things and yet anxiety ridden over communication. I just wish I could go back in time and change some things…let my past self know what to do and what not to do. Maybe it’s best that things are this way, I don’t know and may never know.