Stressed and Depressed

I am depressed. I think its just the fact that for all these years I haven’t really wanted to be responsible for myself…(though I have been, to the best of my ability) and now I am in care for a little child. I worry I’ll be an unfit mother because sometimes when he cries at night  I wish I could just lay there in bed and not get up. But I DO get up, and then get somewhat annoyed that I have to be doing this. It was my choice to have a child. My choice to become a mother knowing FULL well what the outcome would be. Many sleepless nights and more financial risks etc etc. I KNEW. 

But nothing is like living out what you knew would come.  It’s sort of like anticpating a birthday, or christmas. It’s always the same thing so you know what to expect. But somehow you feel that this one, this year, this time could be different. Or better. I guess I was hoping for the perfect pregnancy, which didn’t happen because it ended up in c section. And I wanted to breast feed but little baby Brendon just isn’t having it, and when he WAS I wasn’t producing milk.  It’s sort of the same way with him sleeping at night. Every night I think it might be possibly that he will sleep well or not fuss for no reason, and yet he does.

I have mentioned the way I feel about it to my mom, and many others and they all told me that it is normal to feel this way having a new baby in the house. However, I still feel guilty for having these feelings because underneath the annoyance I really do love and appreciate my wonderful son. I’m just learning to cope with it as it goes.

In gross news, I was changing Baby Bs diaper, and he had an erection. It was super disturbing to me that I never knew 2 week olds could have them…and I was totally shocked and had to look it up online!  Kinda gross if you ask me.  Ah so stressed. I am really tired. Me and Joe are definitley going to call it an early night. I know it.

First though, I am off to the mall to help my mom find matching sheets for her bed, and also a birthday gift for Joe, since his bday was on the 27th. 25!!

Had a strange day yesterday, I will post about it later, because I have to run down to my moms basement and switch the loads of laundry.