Still Standing Still

I have this strange connection with Taylor swift these days. I would say that her albums and lyrics (when not about being famous and rich and in love) are quite hitting.  I also have “this thing where I grow older but just never wiser. ” I either choose to ignore the lessons that life is sending my way, or refuse to learn from them. It would appear to an outsider like every time I think I have something figured out, I somehow manage to take that and multiply it by my last mistake and end up WORSE OFF.  My intuition used to be so great, and I wonder….where did the change start to happen?  Where did I cross the line of strong independent women, into this ugly crying mess of a woman who completely relies on a man who views her as weak.

Let me b3e the first to say that I used to consider myself tough. All around stubborn, opinionated and damn proud.  Lately I have been a sobbing mess of sadness. Every single say I fight with my husband. The stresses of owning a failing business have taken their tolls on our lives. What was once carefree and exciting is now painted over with worry, debt, liquor induced arguments and absolute dissapointment.  I wish I was making this more than it seems….its just simply bad. I every other day seem to cry to my mother about the horrible words exchanged between me and the man supposed to “love me unconditionally” for the rest of my life.  We have exchanged almost every evil word you can imagine, and I doubt if our relationship has actually survived that battefield.   We try and wake the next morning, acting like what happened can be forgotten, but I don’t know how anyone could forget the words we used a knives.  I have begun to gain weight again.  I was working tirelessly in the gym for 8 weeks, 3…sometimes 4 days a week and not getting hardly any results because of how stressed I am. All I have the ability to do anymore is sleep. I struggle to get my daily tasks done anymore, and in this household, if I don’t spend hours cleaning or tidying…we will live in a total shit hole. The only person who bothers to clean walls, floors, cabinets, door handles, dust, sinks, the floor around the toilet, etc…it’s only me. And four young kids and Brad, plus me is a LOT of bodies to clean up after. The rooms are disgusting. I feel like I am failing at raising my own son because I am so low energy.

We are trying to sell the bar. Between the staff that is doing drugs, and probably selling drugs in the place- I feel like we are one under cover cop away from looking like a trap house. I know it happens everywhere but my “bouncer” always disappearing to the bathroom ever five minutes and letting jis dealer friends in with little backpacks etc isn’t helping the matter.  I feel like my husband is one of the biggest threats that ever makes it in the bar and the bouncer is AFRAID OF HIM, and won’t do shit to actually help when needed.  Two nights ago, my husband had taken too many shots, and coupled with a tiny microdose of shrooms ( that were supposed to make him happy) somehow set him into an awful drunk and trip and he tried to fight three separate people and even had his shirt off outside trying to fight in our parking lot.  It had been an incredibly slow night, and I can promise you those customers will never come back after that.     He then threatened to kill me if I ever “did that again in front of him” which although I know he won’t kill me, I hate that he says that kind of shit to me in public. It’s incredibly embarrassing and I am sure people wonder what’s wrong with me that I stay.

I found out recently that he had lied to me about the nature of a “friendship” that he had with a woman he introduced me to early on in our relationship. Maybe even after we were “official.”  Well When we bought a bar we decided that we would never hire anyone that we had any interest in Obvious rule, you would think.  One night, I found out that not only did he lie to me about who she was and how they met- he tried to court her for like a year and she always said no..but strung him along because she was a bartender, and he was a good tipper.  Then I came to find out that he offered her a job in our bar, and she turned it down. I wonder how sick I would have felt once I found out. And how I would have felt with having two of his “women” under the same roof..and if it was some kind of sick kink where he would flirt with her in front of and under my nose.

I had to drive him home last night, in which he got out of the car twice, and I was worried we would go to jail while trying to get him back in the car.   The more I heard of the Amber heard and Johnny Depp trials, the more I realized that pour relationship seems just as toxic. A huge part of me doesn’t know what I would do without this man in my life, and the other part of me is afraid that if I don’t find out, my life will be over, and it will have been spent in total misery and without trust.

Why can’t we just get back to when we both enjoyed every moment we had, and were so in bliss we couldn’t believe we found each other?

Everyone in our lives says we should give up. Why don’t I want to?
Tomorrow I have a busy day. I have to pray that the opener shows up on time so that I can get the rest of my errands and work done. Count the money, pay the bills, cry over the debts….walk around sad as the place is never cared for the way it should be when I am not there.  See my mother in law, who hates everything about me and blames me for her sons alcoholic nature and bad behavior. Watch her as she praises his wonderful god faring ex wife who – SHOCKER- also hates me.   We get the kids tomorrow, so should be a busy night.   I would like to find some time for me tomorrow that doesn’t just include the gym. Maybe hooping would be a great start to the day. I haven’t had a good session in a while.

North coast is coming up..I am going with friends for the first time ever and super nervous. I wish that my husband could come with me but the truth is I am afraid all we would do is fight. It’s all we ever do……

I am worried how angy he is going to be towards me once I am gone, and when I arrive home.

Till tomorrow- I have an adult prom to plan in my dreams…and hope we own the bar long enough to make it to sept 16th, when I have it scheduled to happen in our very own bar.  Thinking the theme will be masquerade. Seems easy enough.

Goodnight, my old trusty diary. I can’t believe all these years later- you’re still here for me.😍