Stepping Outside Myself
I went on a diary binge today. Another slow Monday at the business I own, while my competitions parking lot remains full. Passing them on the way here is almost a daily torture. They lied to me when they said it doesn’t matter if you’re popular in high school. Here I am at 38 and didn’t grow up here. The popular kid running the dive bar two blocks over treads his path to becoming a millionaire with his inferior food and dirty bar tops. I have been struggling so hard financially, and all I really want is enough business to make ends meet. I watch my mother in law gamble on machines daily and win, win, win! I guess when you already are wealthy it just keeps coming easy. I hate that jealousy rears it’s head, as I do feel that I truly put in the work and cannot get results or see success.
I also feel that it’s just clear that I’ll never be good enough. No matter how much I try, my time here as an owner will be over soon. Without my mother in laws help, we would have gone under so long ago. I’m approaching the end of my five year contract, and I doubt I’ll re sign. I can’t support my family, and the debts and losses keep piling higher. Cintas is trying to get me for 11k…..I fell behind 3k in payments, and now they want “losses from what they expected to make from us the rest of the contractual year.” I didn’t even want to sign the contact, but they claimed they would not do month to month. What shady company. I’d have happily suspended services and continued to pay them to catch up..but now I’m just putting if off since they added 8k to the tab. You can’t get money from me that I don’t have, Cintas.
This month has been hard. I really need to let one of my employees go. They don’t fit, and after two years I think it’s time. I have a feeling it will cost me more than just that employee however.
I’ve been wondering what my life will be like, once I am no longer the owner of this bar. Who will hire the failed owner? I’ve only ever worked this industry, and now I’m past my prime. I can’t go back to bartending for someone else. Could I? I worked 13 years at a gentlemans bikini bar. Not exactly a dream resume. I’m not exactly “hot” anymore…
I also have incredibly high anxiety. I hate change. I sound like a whiny child. I should be kinder to myself.
I have so much I should appreciate more. I could be doing more. Depression really is cutting into my time.
I’ve failed plenty of times in my life; lost jobs, and somehow, I managed to work my way up. I was in the food business at one time, working in the kitchen, and it’s hard, hard, hard work. If you go under, think about how you can get up again and, like me, fail, fail again.
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The urge to throw out suggestions as if I understood half of what you are going thru and as if i knew what it was like to run a business is strong. I’m sure you have tried so much and i know it might not mean much coming from a complete stranger, but I am sorry that it didn’t work out. Sometimes it sucks connecting with someone when it feels likes it’s too late in game to make a difference. I probably would have loved working with someone who seems passionate about their business as you do even, if I am going based on the one diary entry. I could have learned a lot perhaps and yet would have loved promoting and advertising my job. For an introvert, I can be very extroverted in my work environment. I have just never been “Hot” though so zero points for me there 😅. 38 is but a number, unless you feeling it in the bones, don’t let anyone let you think you are past your prime. you set that bar not others. if you have the energy (i know its hard to find or keep with depression lurking around) and the determination then I’m certain you can do anything (within reason) you’d like, work behind bar, find a place needing your expertise of management, from home if you wish it, or even take some classes to pursue something completely different then you got this. I apologize if my message was overstepping or no help/useless but otherwise have a wonderful Tuesday, and Wednesday but don’t forget the other days too 🙂
@boobookittens I appreciate your message very much! I definitely am not giving up until the very last dollar runs out, that is for sure! I wish my staff had the same outlook on their jobs, quite honestly! It’s crazy how they gossip about me and my husband behind our backs..to our customers no less!
But I also never understood my previous bosses either, so I definitely can understand their side as well! It does make for a lonely life though, when your only surroundings are your employees or customers, and blurring the lines from professional to friendly isn’t recommended.
Thank you for the kind words.
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