Slow Nights

Sometimes I feel like the nights at work won’t ever end.  I work split shifts now from 9-12, and 5-9 three days a week, and fridays suck because I am here a straight through 8 hours. And then sat too..just 6 but still its hard to sit on the phones for that long and stay sane. I missed the way things were so busy when I worked for Tmobile, because at least t moile had high traffic calls of people who NEEDED your help and it wasn’t something that was outbound. I hate doing outbound calls. I would rather punch a cute baby ( not mine of course) than deal with outbound calls all day like I do. The pay raise they gave me was nice, but now it’s still only 10 and hour..I do get comissions on the sales the counselors make on my clients, but sometimes the people will set an appointment with me and then no show or cancel which doesnt do anyone any good. I wish that there was more guarentee on it. I suppose though that there is never any guarentee on anything in life haha.

baby B teething is driving me nutso. He is always so fussy. Sometimes it feels like nothing will make him happy. I love him so much though that it’s hard to stay mad because the second he smiles it’s like my heart just melts.

Joe and I have been trying to work through our problems. He had had some problems with lying to me before, I’m not sure if I ever posted about it. He also has a huge problem with looking at pictures and videos of his old friend sarah naked, that he stole off her computer while he was babysitting her kids. When I forst found them I was very upset and told him I wanted him to not look at that anymore. Porn is one thing but someone that you know and that you could call up at anytime is another. That was three months into our relationship. Then I found another stash of those disc under out coffee table when brendon was about a month old. That was heartbreaking and I told him that with the way my body had changed and the emotional trauma Iwas going through it hurt me that eh was looking at someone that he could call that had fake boobs and things like that. I have stretch marks now and I haven’t had surgery to correct it. Well he promised he would never look at her again or the other girls from my old strip club that he was stalking their myspaces too. Well then of course like a week ago I find out that he has been stalking those pages again and looking at sarah AGAIN. Thats just more than I could handle since I told him how badly it made me feel so many times before. I felt like I was done with him. I felt ready to pretty much throw away the last two years and tell him that if I was never enough, then to forget it at all. he would not even come up with an answer as to why he did it. That to me is unacceotable. I have gone through a lot hormonally and emotionally and physcially and to feel inferior to someone because my BOYFRIEND made me feel that was was something I just didn;’t want to add to the list. I felt abandoned and betrayed by his actions. I mean cmon, lets just add those real girls that he could call to the list of hundreds of links to porn that he goes to every day too. But like I said, those women that he will never meet are not a big deal.

I have decided that he just is so stupid he doesn’t realize why that hurt me so badly, and since he pretty much is there for me in every other way shape and form, i might as well just work through it for the sake of my family. Another real reason is because the night my grandma died, I was there with him, sleeping next to him after a drunken night. who knows. The guilt is tremendous, that I should have been by her side, but I was out celebrating my birthday with a boy I was smitten with but who I felt had no true idea how he felt about me. That we added up to something down the line has always made me feel better..it wasn’t just wasted time and I wasn’t just with some random guy the night she passed, he is now my babys father and the man I want to marry. He keeps talking about it, but I never see a ring come out of it. I know thats because he doesnt have the money but I don’t see him saving up either. And thats just another thing…I don’t believe it until I see it. I don’t know if we will really get married…we would if I would agree to go to the court house, he wants to do that like, YESTERDAY, but I won’t do that I want a real wedding.

This went on for much longer that I expected it to. But that’s okay I guess I had a lot of time to make up for. Still have a shitty killer last 30 minutes to be at work…bummer.