Nostalgia

I randomly typed in opendiary, and was prepared to stare at the error page showing the site didn’t exist anymore. I was ready to stare at it for far longer than  anyone should. I remember that each day in high school, and in progressively smaller bouts in later life what writing here had given me.  E record of all the growth, and failures I had.  I seem to forget more and more bits and pieces of the details of my life. I’m going through a divorce. How did I get here?  Somewhere along the way I stopped writing, and started forgetting.  I’m sure a lot of it is the drinking I do four nights a week. Not light drinking either. I don’t always remember all the details although I don’t remember that well sober these days either. I sit here now smoking a bowl, reflecting on my lack of knowing who I even am anymore.

I’ve taken on hooping, and have stopped pole dancing almost all together. Hooping gives me this flow.  This connection with music, and the way it feels in my hand….it’s a control issue I think. I have no control over anything else in my life and so this may be the one thing I have.

Chad moved out and hasn’t spoken to me since. I am afraid to see what will happen and if he is going to try and force me to sell the house. I don’t want to have  a co signer on my home and i don’t know if I’m up to this responsibility. I know you just kinda do it. You grow up one day and you pay your bills on time, and you have a kid and a dog, and a big ass yard to mow all by yourself with no husband.  And you fall in love with the idea of the perfect guy and you know it’s all going to crash and burn because this can only be a rebound, right?  This guy makes me happy, but at the cost of losing chad, who was my whole life, and I think I was his too. But he was so hardened to me and I fell out of love. We both did.  He just didn’t come home one day and told me he was leaving. two days later he wanted me back but it was too late. My heart died that day.

He stayed living here another few months but then I met Lon.  And that….that’s where it gets interesting.