Irritated or Medicated. Maybe just sedated.

I took the plunge and went to that hers website today and signed up for meds to help with my PCOS and weight ( I simply cannot weight 157…my poor spine can’t handle it..not can my self esteem.). I also signed up for the mental health meds. My anxiety was rated 17 of 21 and also moderate depression on their little quiz. Sounds about right.  My sex life is suffering with my husband. Only because I never have a drive anymore. He doesn’t seem to care what I weigh. “You are worth more than your waistline” he says. He just doesn’t look at me the same. Maybe that’s all in my head too. Since I don’t like what I see, I don’t see how anyone else could either.

I had our first “Friendsgiving.” I spent several hundred dollars and five “friends” came, with their two children.  One couple is the girl who does my hair and her boyfriend, who I met as customers at the bar that I own.   The couple brought a friend, and at one point I’m pretty sure I caught them all having a threesome or almost threesome in my upstairs bathroom. With their kids downstairs. GROSS.  I invited a few of my employees, but only one came. She really surprised me with her maturity, for being only 22 or 23.  She came early and brought wine, and various spirits, and paper plates and shot glasses which really came in handy.  I’ve tried to help guide her along her journey as a server. She had no previous experience  but is currently the top performing server. She was a bit abrasive and at first drama seemed to follow her everywhere. Things have eased a bit and I am happy to have her as an employee despite the beginning, and hope that she doesn’t harbor the same shit talking behind my back that the other employees I have seem to have done. She told me there were two group chats that’s my staff makes fun of me or talks negatively about me and my husband in.  Granted…my husband is an alcoholic and he is often mean to me publicly. He gets drunk and embarrasses me/us/the bar…which makes it hard to compete, unless you sign for owners that you know could snap like your divorced mom and dad at any given time.  It broke me most to hear that my head bartender takes part in actively shit talking me.  She recently asked for us to go to a drag show, and I thought we had a great time. She even mentioned how the other people she hangs out with “talk to much” (also my employee and his wife) and that she missed hanging out with me. We even used to go to the gym several times a week together, and we kept each other accountable. She found stronger bonds with the younger staff that I also thought we were friends..(jokes on me..no one likes the boss.)

She eventually swapped gyms and started doing girls night with that clique, and we just stopped talking.

On Thanksgiving, to hear the things I always feared about that friendship were true, tore me. I am a loner, and always have been. But I really trusted that girl, and had confided so much in her. Only to find out she made fun of me over it.

The previous night, she and I worked bar for “blackout weds” and not only did she bring me three books to read from her collection..she had few too many to drink. Brad got too drunk and left me stranded with no ride home, partly because he was being a mean drunk to me and I didn’t want to get in the car with him.   She offered to take me home, and while her man was driving me..she ended up getting sick out the window. Some of it even got on me ( I handled that situation better than I had ever imagined I would, btw!)

I didn’t tell any of the staff about it as I didn’t want to embarrass her.  I actually never tell the terrible shit that my staff does to me to anyone…even when they do horrible things to me. One ex employee stayed with me for a three day festival in and air bnb, and shortly after quit on me out of no where and spread heinous lies about me..even going as far as to record a convo we had without me knowing to send it to another employee and act as if I said terrible things about them. If you listen to the clip I never said anything bad at all, but the fact that they did that sent me to the fucking moon in grief.  who the fuck treats someone like that?

Anyways, my bartender “friend” and her are still friends, and I felt like I’ve been mourning the loss of that friendship ..even if it never did exist.  Flash forward to this week, as my bartender asks me to go to the gym with her again…as I’ve been the only one to keep her accountable. Funny you want something from me but don’t like me. I agreed to go with her since I do enjoy having someone to workout with, and am reminding myself to stay emotionally distant from her. Fool me once…yada yada.

I can’t get anywhere with my 14 year old son. He hates to shower. He forgets things he is supposed to do five minutes after he is told..and is so lazy. Ungrateful. Rude. Just literally acts like everyone owes him something and hates having to help out with chores. Breaks rules left and right. Gives the bare minimum.  I know it’s probably just puberty but I miss my little monster, who cuddled and washed his hands like crazy, and just wanted to be like mommy.  I feel like maybe I am failing him. I am constantly stressed and sometimes  know I am short with him quickly. I just have tried the nice calm way so many times and it doesn’t work. I get walked on.

He is so much like me as a child. I was closed off and never confided in my parents. But they NEVER ASKED OR CARED. They cared more about survivor that my band concerts. They would never miss an episode, even if it meant missing my life milestones.

I get it, I’m also not mom of the year. He has been through so much…I wish I could change some of his past. I can’t though. I try and get him to open up to me, to talk to me when he is getting bullied etc. He won’t speak of it. He says he doesn’t like to be vulnerable. I can’t force him to talk, and most of the time he just lies anyways.

fought with Brad again tonight about money. He just is so bad with it. If it hits his pocket he has to spend it. I’m tired of being the only one financially handling things, and wish he was more willing to help. He thinks because I have anxiety that the real issue of course is me being crazy in the head, and not because he gambles and smokes two packs a day, and not because he doesn’t pay for anything. It’s been six years together, and he still doesn’t know where my clothes go so doesn’t put them away. I don’t feel very valued. I don’t feel like he respects me. I feel like he uses me because without me, his credit is so bad he can’t even get a bank account, and tax liens mean he can’t own anything.  He owes more in child support to his three previous kids than he makes a month, and often doesn’t even care to save up for it. He drinks for free at our establishment, and takes advantage of me. I’d like to think he loves me, but as I fall apart more and more from stress, I could see why he may fall out of love. I don’t love me either.

I’ve been reading a lot. It has helped me to escape the harsh reality. I wish my life could be like some of the characters I have read about. I used to think that finding a good book would be so hard. I got a library card and and been delighted to select random titles off the shelf and be utterly glued to the pages. I read a few thrillers, and was surprised to be as into them on paper as I am with them on screen. I still refuse to do e-books, or audio books. Only I can make the words on the page come to life.

Still waiting on insurance to fix the back door someone backed into parking their salt truck for lunch. It’s killing the warmth and esthetic in the back party room.   The fryer filter now needs  to be replaced, along with the oven.   We just replaced two coolers this year, and had to professionally snake all the drains.   someone punched a hole in the mens bathroom stall, and the urinal is flooding every time it flushes.
Anyone wanna buy a bar >.<?